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You Know My Name: 2 of 3: The Ark

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 2:35 pm    Post subject: You Know My Name: 2 of 3: The Ark Reply with quote

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You Know My Name: 2 of 3: The Ark
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
18 January 2008, 5:45 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ENS_Rabid_Ga0118080545031.html
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 3:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, just some information.

I purposely didn't describe some stuff, like Mary, but I do believe that some of the stuff was kinda rushed. The next intermission won't be like that.
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Mad Max
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 5:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damn, this one is longer than some of my chapters, but I agree with you on that some parts DO seemed rush, but then again, to me, that's a small thing compared to the good things. I think it was good not to purposefully describe Mary, it was a good decision on your part. But what I liked the best was the length. There was so many good details and just, ah, just having alot to read is always fun. Very Happy
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 12:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, first the good. I love the idea behind this, of background characters that are with the Chief, Keyes, etc. during the important parts of the games. I also liked that you expanded on Young's criminal history, although you didn't give too much depth to it, and it did seem rushed, alnmost like you were trying to get it out of the way. And the M99! I love when it's used. Too neat a weapon not to toss in every now and then. On that note, the whole sniper scene was well done, too, with Wolf and Pegasus coming off as a trained sniper/spotter team.

Now, the real big problem I had with this was that there was an abundance of Super Marine Syndrome. A marine charging and headshotting a Brute Chieftain, then whipping out his shotgun at the last moment before the Brute hammers him, shooting him in the face? I'd hesitate to say even the Chief could pull that one off. Pegasus and Wolf running flat-out, the former carrying a Spartan Laser and a rocket launcher, and the latter with an M99? That's a lot of weight, and I can understand keeping the rockets and laser, but what use is something like an M99 without distance between you and the target? The whole idea of the attack on the Scarab seemed way over the top, too. Things like that, if ever used, should be a rarity, and made to seem extraordinary. If they happen too often it just doesn't seem believable.

Two last smaller things. When italicizing something in an already-italics sentence, you don't need to underline. Instead just use plain font. And I'd like to see you go somewhere with Reynolds' dimwitted lieutenant. The finale to FX's series Over There comes to mind. Half of that show was the lieutenant and sergeant butting heads, the LT sounding a lot like the one you briefly described.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 2:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I saw that you posted, and I was like, 'Oh, shit...' Very Happy You're critical, but I love it!

Thanks for the positive reinforcement.

Yeah, the Scarab scene was really just something I thought up of to get Young and Reynolds off of Miranda's Pelican, so that particular cutscene could remain canon. And, the whole Young thing? Yeah, you're right. SMS hit me there, and after I posted it I was still debating if I shouldn't included it. But, if anything, just shows I need to edit.

And the two SPECTRE agents? This is one of the competing SPARTAN-eqse programs, and they got what I call Power Armor. They can carry a lot of weight with that stuff (albiet that is very difficult with heavier and heavier stuff) and have shields. But, anyways, Wolf only had the M99 with him, and Pegasus only had the Laser, plus the spotter scope. And, when they got onto the Hornet, I figured they both would of traded their weapons for Spartan Lasers because of what was happening.

But I definitely understand.

Thanks for the font thing: I was still confused on how I should do that. You'll probably see that in the Intermission tomorrow.

And for the Lieutenant? Maybe, maybe not. We'll see. Very Happy
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 11:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, that stuff with your SPECTREs makes sense. But on that note, remember that not everyone knows the background to your stories. Azrael's confusion with your intermission comes to mind. Just a throwaway sentence next time would fix something like that. Wink
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