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Where Sheep May Safely Graze: Part One: The Lamb Undone

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 2:35 pm    Post subject: Where Sheep May Safely Graze: Part One: The Lamb Undone Reply with quote

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Where Sheep May Safely Graze: Part One: The Lamb Undone
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
18 January 2008, 5:10 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle0118080510431.html
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 4:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

To make sense of this I would reccomend you look at the prologue/timeline to this story.

Or not Smile

- Arthur
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Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 8:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was really well done. Like you said, the timeline's helpful, but not necessary.

Now, I love seeing politics in fan fiction. I like how you handled the UN, and I liked the idea of the Tetrarchy. I'm looking forward to more of the political conflicts.

Eyal is a very interesting character, too.

I really don't have much to comment on, but I thought this was really, really good. I'd been looking forward to it ever since you wrote the timeline.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 11:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks a lot, kr. Yes, this will be above all a political fic, particularly from an institutional point of view. I hope to elucidate the specifics on these institutions, which was why I did the timeline. I'm glad you think it's not necessary, though. I'll try to make it even less so as I go along.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'll try to get part 2 out next week.

- Arthur
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Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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Andres
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Joined: 03 Jan 2005
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 6:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good Arthur. Not only did you build up the ambient for the story, but you did something that is really hard to do, you showed, not told, the emotions of a suicidal person, which is how I found Eyal to be.

The description of the torture could had been longer, not in terms of the description, but how the Sergeant felt as it happened. Either way, I liked it.

I saw only one GPS error, which seemed to be more of a CODE mistake:

Code:
[i[Not to worry, sister, he thought, knowing she was studying him with concern.


Near the second "[hr]"

8/10.
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