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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 4:02 pm    Post subject: 058 Reply with quote

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058
Posted by kr142616 (kr142616@aim.com)
10 January 2008, 11:56 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kr1426160110082356271.html
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 7:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Topic cleaned. No chatter.
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 3:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very well written, I enjoyed it a lot. You had one or two small instances were your descriptions were redundant but other than that I thought it was good.

I personally don't think any of the Spartans thinks with that kind of moral darkness though. I mean, yes, you do let Linda have a struggle within herself but I think that Spartans either think compassionately or more likely, indifferently. But never with a sinister tone. Just my opinion.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 5:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, the way I see it, it really is kind of an indifference, with the boy, anyways. It's just brutal pragmatism. As for the man, it's a kind of extreme nationalism I'm sure the Spartans had instilled in them as children.
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Mad Max
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 4:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked the conflict that was presented with the boy and his URF father, but to me for some reason, the idea seemed cliche at the same time. But the method in which you presented the conflict negated the clicheness of the situation and for that you're to be commended.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 5:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can agree it's a bit cliche, but the way I saw it, I had three reral choices:

1) Linda wastes them both. I could still have done some of the same things, but this would have made for a quicker, less interesting ending to the story, IMO.

2) The boy is never in the way, and Linda just wonders, "What if he was?" This is just completely uninteresting, as Phaedrus pointed out in my original draft.

3) The boy moves, and is spared. I think this provides the most in that there is still conflict, and Linda regrets her decision, resolving not to ever make the same mistake again. A kind of defining moment for her career as a sniper.

I'm glad you liked it and it didn't come off too cliche, though.

And, if anyone noticed, this is a part of a series. I was hoping to do a collection of short stories like this from different Spartan-II's POVs that didn't recieve much characterization in the books. If there's any Spartan anyone would like me to try my hand at next, I'm open to suggestions. Wink
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 5:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I say do a earlier James. You know, the Spartan that never quits?

And, I can't really review it because most of the mistakes I saw were corrected here (the cliche thing) but, I liked it. A lot.

Perfect job, kr142616.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 12:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, kr, as I see it, the charatcers' mentalities and conflicts are what you say they are. All that is needed is justification within the text, and in my opinion, you provided it. Good job.

The scene, as your other reviewers have said, was very well set; the initial environment/spatial setting, then the context, and finally the conflict. All of it was excellent and it really flowed like water, making it an enjoyable read. I thought her agonizing was genuine enough. The boy in the way gave her some legitimate time to contemplate her situation. Her own childhood experience might make the concern of traumatizing the boy and perhaps ruining his future all the more personal.

Very well done. As a self-contained piece, it was top notch. I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.

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