HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

A General's Tale -- Prologue

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:20 pm    Post subject: A General's Tale -- Prologue Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

A General's Tale -- Prologue
Posted by The Meep (HaloFanatic101@yahoo.com)
4 January 2008, 3:42 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=The_Meep0104080342231.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
The Meep
Member


Joined: 24 Mar 2006
Posts: 79
Location: Auburn, Maine E-mail me if there are any nearby LANs

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 5:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just wanted to let you know that I'm moving off the one story and am going to try a series. Again.

This one shows more promise than past ones, and I hope I got the Prologue right. I'm going to try to stick with a "once per week" writing schedule, but I got school, and work, and finals, and exams... Ya, you know. >.o

Next Chapter: Six Months Earlier

Please leave comments and reviews!

~I~
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Mad Max
Member


Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 40

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 8:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really liked how you started it out. "The situation was bad."

Right there, you thrust the reader into the action. However, 'bad' is an overused word in my opinion. It would've done better to maybe use different words or phrases. 'The situation was dire' or 'The situation was quickly heading south'.

That's just one thing i noticed that would've given that opening line more punch. But it had punch behind it to begin with.

I also enjoyed the storyline alot. Details were great and dialogue was as well. I understand you got a busy schedule, but if you can continue it, that'd be great man.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
kr1
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 2:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this. I'm interested to see where you go, too, because this seems almost like a single piece rather than a part of a larger series.

The ending seemed a little rushed, though. It didn't detract much because there isn't a lot of time for introspection in the story, anyways, and part of that feeling may be because the whole thing felt more like a stand alone rather than a part of a series.

Anyways, a couple GPS errors.

Quote:
And as Lieutenant General Marc Navrez stood in front of the field display; hands on the cool metal siding, elbows locked, arms straight, shoulders hunched, head bowed; he knew the battle was lost.


Would probably work better as:

Quote:
And as Lieutenant General Marc Navrez stood in front of the field display--hands on the cool metal siding, elbows locked, arms straight, shoulders hunched, head bowed--he knew the battle was lost.


Only other GPS I noticed was a 'has' iinstead of 'had' in the second half.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Spartan006
Member


Joined: 17 Mar 2006
Posts: 366
Location: On the worst internet ever...for real.

PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 12:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nicely done, Meep. People usually write all their character's decisions as black and white, but you did a very nice job with the grey-area questions. You probably could have kept going instead of ending it right where you did, but it's your story. 9/10
_________________
Randomly invading your fanfiction since 2006.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
The Meep
Member


Joined: 24 Mar 2006
Posts: 79
Location: Auburn, Maine E-mail me if there are any nearby LANs

PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, everybody. I'm hard at work on Chapter One: 3 Months Earlier, but I'm on my third draft now, and I keep getting stumped. Most likely it will be in this Friday, but it might be next Friday if life gets too crowded.

~I~
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Arthur Wellesley
Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 6:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Really nice, Meep. Excellent story; pretty much the perfect example of what a prologue ought to be. All the elements were introduced effectively: the main character (presumably), the context, and the conflict. Structurally, really nothing more can be asked from a writer.

In terms of style, I really liked it. It was concise yet descriptive, putting us in the moment without distracting us. The dialogue, too, was very good, the tone of the characters remaining consistently believable in this militaristic yet emotionally charged situation. Overall, a great presentation.

Not too much more I can say, as it was quite short. I guess all I can say is I look forward to more. As for “once a week,” that’s a terribly difficult schedule to maintain, but for the readers’ sake, I hope you can do it. Smile

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Andres
Member


Joined: 03 Jan 2005
Posts: 151

PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 5:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just one minor detail, unless the General is in charge of a few hundred men, he will not be commanding platoons. He will be commanding battalions, regiments and even divisions.

Adds a bit more of reality.

On the literary sense I saw no flaws in terms of GPS, though certain descriptions should be more deep (eg: the TACMAP display).
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
The Meep
Member


Joined: 24 Mar 2006
Posts: 79
Location: Auburn, Maine E-mail me if there are any nearby LANs

PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 7:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was actually a typo... It should be Battalion.

~I~
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group