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You Know My Name: Intermission

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:20 pm    Post subject: You Know My Name: Intermission Reply with quote

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You Know My Name: Intermission
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com I swear to God, one more penis enlarger ad...)
3 January 2008, 5:28 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ENS_Rabid_Ga0103081728131.html
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UNSC Trooper
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
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Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 2:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is pretty damn good. The dialog between Ackerson and the other officers shows his real personality: A badass. Wink

The only spelling mistake I could spot was this:

Quote:
He would of gotten the informal permission,


He would have gotten' the informal permission,

Good job! Ackerson's my favorite character in the entire Halo universe (along with Major Silva). Wink
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The Meep
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Location: Auburn, Maine E-mail me if there are any nearby LANs

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 4:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You seem attracted to the bad, tough, and ugly. XD

And, I also agree with you (on the story, not Ackerson). Very well written, smooth dialogue. Good job all around.

9/10

~I~
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Mad Max
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Joined: 22 Dec 2007
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 8:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

UNSC Trooper wrote:
This is pretty d*mn good. The dialog between Ackerson and the other officers shows his real personality: A badass. Wink

The only spelling mistake I could spot was this:

Quote:
He would of gotten the informal permission,


He would have gotten' the informal permission,

Good job! Ackerson's my favorite character in the entire Halo universe (along with Major Silva). Wink


You must like characters who are assholes UNSC, haha just kidding. But thats what makes Ackerson such a great charcter really: he's cruel and power-hungry and well-written enough that it instills emotion in the reader.

As for ENS, I liked how it started out with the dialogue. It made me wonder what was up, and then the elaboration came in and it made it all the more sweeter. At least, for me at least. Great job!
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 7:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, guys.

UNSC: Yeah, I saw it after I posted it. It just sounded normal to me when I said it out loud, but, -shrug-.

Meep: Thanks! I thought it was a bit choppy but glad to see I was wrong!

Max: Very Happy Thanks!

I'm in the process of writing out the second part, give it a few weeks. Then comes another intermission, and then the final part, then the epilogue concerning some of the characters.

Then I'll go back to some of my other projects, the ones that tie into this one.

And, this is the first project I had set down for plot and purpose on each part. So, this is a test story for me.
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
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Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 4:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, I'm sure there's a lot of backstory to this I'm missing. It managed to catch my interest, though, and I agree that the dialogue was good, a lot better than the last part. You did huge blocks of it, though, and it could have used some breaking up, with maybe the speaker's expression, tone of voice, that kind of thing. I'll show you with the first paragraph, which was huge Wink :

Quote:
"Why, again, did you draw us here? To conspire? To delegate?! Why must you continue this petty discussion, Colonel? The answer is no. The follow-up is no. The recurring, recurring, answer will and always will be no. Why do you think I am here with them, instead of you? I got a few words for you, Robert. Stay. The. Fuck. Away. One more incident and it's the end for all of us."


Quote:
"Why, again, did you draw us here? To conspire? To delegate?! Why must you continue this petty discussion, Colonel?" The man slammed his palm on the hologrammic desktop before him. "The answer is no. The follow-up is no. The recurring, recurring, answer will and always will be no. Why do you think I am here with them, instead of you?

The man leaned forward, deadly serious. "I got a few words for you, Robert. Stay. The. Fuck. Away. One more incident and it's the end for all of us."


Can't think of anything else to suggest, besides that when you want to emphasize something that's already in italics, just use regular font. Anyways, this was good, but almost painfully short. Definitely catches your interest.
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