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Wake Me

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:19 pm    Post subject: Wake Me Reply with quote

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Wake Me
Posted by alimination602 (alimination602@gmail.com)
29 December 2007, 2:47 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=alimination61229071447041.html
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Mad Max
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Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 40

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You need to make a new paragraph every time dialog is introduced. Also, I'd think it'd do good to break up your paragraphs a bit more. At least you did break them up, but to an extent they were still blocks of text. Storyline was somewhat interesting.
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Commander Valois
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Joined: 27 Oct 2007
Posts: 51

PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 12:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh my god...
Oh...my...god...

On a scale of 1 to 10, that was about a 32 1/2, for story.
I've only seen one other thing relating to a certain topic (Dave and Phaedrus I got over it now) and really think this one is good.

While the story is sweet, there were a few spelling and grammar mistakes and the like. Nothing serious, but it could improve.

Ok favorite line...
Ah, here we go.
Quote:
"Sakura…."

It's not really a line, but close enough. The reason why I like this is because it reminds me of the dark days of band...(We had to play Sakura, Sakura for a concert) and it kinda, in my opinion, gave life to a dead character. (Metaphorically and literally)
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