HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Halo: The Sector Wars: Prologue
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher, DF-Pliskin (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
19 November 2004, 8:25 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ens_rabid_ga.1119042025541.html

russ687 · Posted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 8:28 pm Post subject:

Well, well. This is the first story I've read from you, Rabid. Pay attention:

Good things:

1. Formatted properly; good use of the code (except consider adding lines using [hr] when switching scenes).

2. Flowed smoothly enough.

3. Not too many basic errors, but they were still present.

Things to work on:

1. Your depictions of the Covenant seemed off, especially with the Brutes. They seemed a little too human in their dialogue.

2. Your use of the phrase "Hoohah" was rather comical. In most cases, I would use "hooah," or "huah." But regardless, that is very Army in nature, not Navy. I personally like using that phrase, but not on Halo wirting...it just does not fit.

3. Making it longer and more detailed. Despite being basically good, most of it left me in question about what the hell was going on. Maybe this is part of your plot, which may be OK, but regardless give the reader more to chew on.

Remember, proof-read, and take your time. Submitting once a week is a good average, but if you can pull off two a week without a hitch thats even better; but bottom line is make sure you catch those mistakes.

Keep it up

-Russ

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 8:32 pm Post subject:

Thanks for the detailed comment, russ. The hoohah thing is definatly Marine terms, so I used it since Chief Mendez was using the SPARTANs for the Marines OPERATION REX, which will be explained later in the next part. Second of all, like me and Plisk said, this is just a taste. We wanted to see how well the plot was taken before we detailed it. If you put as many details as you want, but you have a bad storyline, then there's no story. But Plisk and I will fix the basic problems and make the Brutes seem more. . . evil.
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures

SYSTEM · Posted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 8:36 pm Post subject:

It's not "Evilness" that counts. Try and make them seem like religious zealots - so use high-level diction. But remember, don't push yourself beyond your comfort level.

- Dave.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Could have used a tad more descriptive detail in there.
Also, I thought it could have flowed better. Some of your sentenses and paragraphs just weren't smooth to the read. I read a couple out-loud, and they sounded, well, just off. So fix that up.
I also agree that you should work on the way you made your Brutes sound. You could get a lot out of watching and rewatching the Halo 2 cutscenes. Also, I thought that you should try to improve your general Covie stuff, too.
By the way, aren't the Prophets for the Brutes?

Overall, this was pretty good; a little too short, though. Watch your grammar and spelling to make sure you get all of you small mistakes, and just keep working and practicing your hardest.
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-MCC

Nick Kang · Posted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 2:03 am Post subject:

Eh, it was okay, but I see everyone else has already commented on everything. But there's one thing I noticed at the beginning that made me wonder. Are the Elites, Grunts, and Hunters the Covenant, or are the Brutes, Jackals, and Drones?
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Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 5:41 am Post subject:

Brutes, Jackals, and Dronez are NOT Covenant. But, me and Plisk are planning to fix the series up AFTER The Sector Wars. We aren't mulitaskers as other people, and we can't make more and more fanfics at one time.

Shit, I'm making excuses
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Sat Nov 27, 2004 8:17 am Post subject: "Hoohah"

Sorry, i just read this story. And saw the Word "Hoohah".

I am a military kid and I really think that they say "Hoo Rah!" not "Hoohah"

Just a tip for the next time you say it. K Good story by the way. At least Chief Mendez is in it. K Bye
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Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

SYSTEM · Posted: Sat Nov 27, 2004 10:55 pm Post subject:

Hey, Good Luck Mark.

You'll do fine. Just keep going and keep working. You'll hit the top!

- Dave.

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Sat Nov 27, 2004 11:58 pm Post subject:

Hehe Thanks Dave.
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Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"