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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Mad Max
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Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 40
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 Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 2:28 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it other then the occasional grammar and spelling errors. Though I would suggest not putting line breaks after each paragraph, seeing as though you have them all indented properly. It's something I noticed with your other two chapters that I feel I should point out, unless you have a reason for doing so.
Good job though. |
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UNSC Trooper
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
Posts: 85
Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.
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| Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 2:35 pm Post subject: |
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Grammar and spelling errors... hmm. Could you give me an example? Thanks for the comment.  |
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Mad Max
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Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 40
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| Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 2:41 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | "Lieutenant commander Andrew Harris suffered a," he paused and looked around random parts of the room, "fatal accident onboard a carrier vessel in the Zeta Doradus system. Most unfortunate." He said and walked away from the desk. No one replied. |
Lieutenant Commander should be capaitalized, though this is a small mistake. But somethign else I noticed in this example. I understand where you were going with this, but I don't think it flows right when you stopped the sentence midway through. I think it should look more like this.
(He looked around random parts of the room and said, "Lieutenant Commander Andrew Harris suffered a...fatal accident onboard a carrier vessel in the Zeta Doradus system." He paused. "Most unfortunate.")
At least, thats how I would've done it. But thats just one small example |
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UNSC Trooper
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
Posts: 85
Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.
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| Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 2:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Oh yeah, I didn't notice that I hadn't capitalized "Commander". And yeah the way you wrote it kinda' makes a lot more sense, thanks again. |
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Mad Max
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Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 40
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| Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 2:49 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, it's no problem dude. If you see my story in your travels, check it out if you'd like.  |
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