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HALO: Iron Cross [Chapter Three]

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 1:18 pm    Post subject: HALO: Iron Cross [Chapter Three] Reply with quote

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HALO: Iron Cross [Chapter Three]
Posted by UNSC Trooper (unsctrooper@hotmail.com)
25 December 2007, 12:52 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=UNSC_Trooper1225071252431.html
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Mad Max
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 2:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it other then the occasional grammar and spelling errors. Though I would suggest not putting line breaks after each paragraph, seeing as though you have them all indented properly. It's something I noticed with your other two chapters that I feel I should point out, unless you have a reason for doing so.

Good job though.
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UNSC Trooper
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Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.

PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 2:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Grammar and spelling errors... hmm. Could you give me an example? Thanks for the comment. Wink
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Mad Max
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 2:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"Lieutenant commander Andrew Harris suffered a," he paused and looked around random parts of the room, "fatal accident onboard a carrier vessel in the Zeta Doradus system. Most unfortunate." He said and walked away from the desk. No one replied.


Lieutenant Commander should be capaitalized, though this is a small mistake. But somethign else I noticed in this example. I understand where you were going with this, but I don't think it flows right when you stopped the sentence midway through. I think it should look more like this.

(He looked around random parts of the room and said, "Lieutenant Commander Andrew Harris suffered a...fatal accident onboard a carrier vessel in the Zeta Doradus system." He paused. "Most unfortunate.")

At least, thats how I would've done it. But thats just one small example
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UNSC Trooper
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Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.

PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 2:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh yeah, I didn't notice that I hadn't capitalized "Commander". And yeah the way you wrote it kinda' makes a lot more sense, thanks again. Wink
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Mad Max
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 2:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, it's no problem dude. If you see my story in your travels, check it out if you'd like. Smile
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