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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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SYSTEM
The Hammer
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
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 Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 6:13 pm Post subject: |
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Oh come on, Main, putting your letters in allcaps like that, you know better!
Onto the story, that there was pretty good. I liked the way you began the story with, not a statement, but a question. And a rhetorical question. The description was good and I liked the personification of the wind.
One big thumbs-up for you is the semicolon use. Finally! I've seen commasplices and many times I make 'em myself. Seeing someone out there step above and beyond what would be a more conversational type of lingo makes me happy. Of course, I wouldn't expect anythin' less from ye, mate.
One quibble I have with this is that this was one case where an ellipsis would've been more fitting, it's an omission or break in his speech.
I'll skip anything else I find, and get straight to the point. I liked this. No action, nothing to get in the way of the depressing air of what's happened after this place has been hit. Nobody's coming to save 'em now, and that's summed up nicely when he thinks "At least the dogs are going to get out of here alive..."
Reminds me of the Complete Zombie Survival Guide or World War Z, in a way. Live bait, sitting there, ready to get snapped up.
Good on ye! I like.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.
"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations. |
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Mainevent
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama
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| Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 8:52 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks Dave.
I know this chapter's a wee bit short, but the next chapters should be longer.
Hopefully I'm not TOO rusty at this whole writing thingamabob. |
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The Militant Poet
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Joined: 13 Oct 2007
Posts: 44
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| Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 5:15 am Post subject: |
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I refuse to read this until I see I Am Legend. I'm sorry but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's an I Am Legend crossover and I don't want the plot to be spoiled for me 
Hell even just look at the story title...even the name of the main character! |
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Mainevent
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama
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| Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 7:24 am Post subject: |
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| Rest assured that this will in NO way ruin the movie for you. It's just my take on the semi-basic plot elements in the Haloverse. |
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The Militant Poet
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Joined: 13 Oct 2007
Posts: 44
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| Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 5:24 pm Post subject: |
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| well. alright. I'll give it a look-see. |
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Killabot 69
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Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Posts: 2
Location: Bundanoon, Australia
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| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 12:36 am Post subject: |
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I understand that you have simply taken I Am Legend plot elements and put them into a similar situation, and that it was intended to be different; but the end product just seems to be a cheap rip-off of Matheson's masterpiece.
A good effort, but perhaps something more original is in order. |
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