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Chp 1: Covenant Engagments. There and Here.

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 3:21 pm    Post subject: Chp 1: Covenant Engagments. There and Here. Reply with quote

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Chp 1: Covenant Engagments. There and Here.
Posted by Mark Lieberg (malieberg@packor.net)
19 November 2004, 1:28 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mark_lieberg.1119041328531.html
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russ687
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 8:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh, use of the Code. I know we reinforce the Code all the time, saying that is the No. 1 thing to fix, but after you finally get over that hill (which shouldn't be there in the first place), it's onto the actual writing.

It was okay. There wasn't too much wrong with it, at least nothing that you couldn't fix if your proof-read more, but I was skipping over most of it. Captivate the reader, make your writing interesting, detailed, and smooth. If the reader has to force him/herself to read it, it's a sign that its not very good.

Take your time and work and making it go along. There's potential here, but potential means nothing if you don't turn it into reality.

By the way, can you explain that "Don't leave negative comments" thing you put? Aside from having an AN (which I highly discourage), that phrase really gives off the impression that you are stuck up. I have never said anything like that for my stories, and never will, because it's the tough comments that make you better.

If you don't want to look ignorant, discontinue saying that.

-Russ
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 22, 2004 3:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't worry Mark. Us regulars won't say stuff bad, it's the half regulars you gotta watch for. Like the most excellent dude above me pointed out that you needed to work on it a little. Other than that, it was good
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 22, 2004 3:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher wrote:
Don't worry Mark. Us regulars won't say stuff bad, it's the half regulars you gotta watch for. Like the most excellent dude above me pointed out that you needed to work on it a little. Other than that, it was good



I meant bad stuff. My bad
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2004 12:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Things were moving by a little fast there. So, you might want to work on how you relay those details to us. Make sure to not have much repedetiveness and to just make everything smooth and well sounding.

Work on a storyline there, too. You need to come up with original stuff that well really get the reader into what you have going on. The same-old will just make readers not want to continue.

Overall, it was okay, but it needs work. Watch that grammar. Just work your hardest to improve your writing and follow our advice to your best ability.
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2004 1:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mark, you're doing better! Remember, watch your descriptions. When the Marine dies, drag it out, long and slow. Make us feel him die. Make us feel sorry for him.

You could try making the Chief pull a faded picture of a child or a wife out of his pocket, or maybe a note reading "Come home soon Daddy."

Or perhaps you could give the marine more dialogue.

[INDENT] "I'm g-g-going t-t-live, right?"
The Chief clasped the Marine's hand as more blood stained the Marine's green uniform brown. But even through the thick glove, the Chief could feel the marine's firm grip faltering, falling away as his life faded. The marine coughed again, the death rattle already in his throat.
[INDENT] "I'm g-g-g-going t-t-live... live..."
The man's bright eyes began to cloud, his pulse becoming weak and thready. The Chief patted the marine's shoulder, knowing all he could do was reassure the dying soldier. The soldier's life was slipping away, and nothing would stop it now.
[INDENT] "I'm g-go-ing t-t-to l-i-i-ve."
The marine's eyes fluttered, closing on the last syllable issuing forth from his bloodstained lips. His head lolled to the side, relaxing. The warm hand in the Chief's cold gauntlet went limp. The Spartan stood in silent respect for his lost comrade, folded one of the marine's hands over his heart, and mourned another life the war had claimed.



Remember, let us milk that fick dry - let's squeeze all we can out. The more detail for the more important moments, the more we can pull out and the more we feel the passion of your writing.

- Dave.
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MasterSushi
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2004 4:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was great Dave!
Do you have anything like that in the works?
If so I can't wait to read it!
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