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You Know My Name; Sergeant Reynolds: 1 of 3

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 12:40 pm    Post subject: You Know My Name; Sergeant Reynolds: 1 of 3 Reply with quote

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You Know My Name; Sergeant Reynolds: 1 of 3
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
15 December 2007, 9:51 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ENS_Rabid_Ga1215072151271.html
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The Militant Poet
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Joined: 13 Oct 2007
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 5:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hmmm...a narration of Halo 3 from a marine perspective with a little love sidestory...nice. And considering the fact that all of those little tokens of dialogue and events actually happened, and that it is possible for all of those events to have Reynolds in them gives this piece alot of credability. I like that.

There were a few flow issues in the later third of the story, but it wasn't too significant. I couldn't see any GPS errors (but it's late so I may have missed some), so kudos for that. Overall I think you did a good job

8/10

looking foward to part 2!
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Mad Max
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Joined: 22 Dec 2007
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 5:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was feeling the gist of the story, and it built up very nicely. Although I dont think romance is a good topic when it comes to Halo, because normally its not there at all, the introduction of it in yer story is both interesting and unique.

9/10
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 26, 2007 6:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree, it isn't. That's why it isn't in the story. Very Happy If I implied it, I'm sorry.

Working on the second, so, I'll take your notions and put them in.

EDIT: The story about Luke is a flimsy. That will be explained later on.
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Last edited by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher on Thu Dec 27, 2007 10:35 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Mad Max
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2007 6:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

haha yes you did imply it, but good job with that though, it makes the reader think about different thoughts the characters have
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 3:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was interesting. I always like when background characters are given their own stories.

There were several issues I saw throughout the story. First, there was a lot of tense confusion. Every so often you'd use present rather than past tense. The part that stood out most was this:

Quote:
Stacker is an ODST. He never is impressed.


Second, a lot of the dialogue just seemed a little unrealistic. For example:

Quote:
You know me, 'mam. Can't pull me from my job unless I'm dead or wounded severely."


Now, I don't know about you, but 'wounded severely' doesn't sound like what someone would say in casual conversation. Say your dialogue out loud, or imagine someone you picture your character as sounding like, and see if it fits.

Third, the scene where Reynolds wakes up is a little confusing. We're not given much setting, so I assumed they were in a barracks or something, and then they're all in the Warthogs. All you said was 'the underbelly of the Crow's Nest', but that just gives us a general idea of the setting, and only to those of us who played the game.

A couple little things, too, good and bad. I liked where you were going with Young, and I hope you keep developing that. The dream/flashback things were a neat touch, too. Keep working on your dialogue, too. You hit Johnson and Stacker's voices well, but the Chief sounded OOC in his one line. And you mixed up Gunnery Sergeant and Sergeant Major a couple times with Johnson and Stacker.

Now onto the Intermission. Looking forward to the second part, too.
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