HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4352

This topic is for posting comments to:

HALO 3552, Chapter 1
Posted by Wesley Frost (chefwesley@hotmail.com)
2 December 2007, 11:19 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Wesley_Frost1202072319291.html

TooTall333 · Member Joined: 21 Nov 2007 Posts: 1

I myself find this to be pretty well written. Good use of details, you give some background info and your character actually has emotion. But what I did find somethings at fault, seeing how your story is set 1000 years after the Human-Covenant war, the technology has not expanded much.

mplacki · Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 4:33 pm Post subject:

A decent start, but definitely room for improvement.

1) Your story is hard to read, formatting-wise. You should either break the paragraphs into blocks or user [indent] tabs to space things out.

2) Show, don't tell. What does the Mjolnir armor look like now? How is it different? Does the BR-87 look like the BR55? Would it still really be called a "BR" series after 1000 years? (How many companies now are left from last millenium? Not many.) Details, details, details. It's the little things that make the story come alive.

3) Like lots of other writers, you're writing about Spartans. This isn't a problem yet, but it's something you'll want to keep in mind for future chapters: Spartans place important restrictions on what you can and can't write. Spartans are quiet, disciplined, formal, almost to the point of being mechanized. They may have small quirks, but you're pretty limited as to what kind of character flaws they can have.