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HALO 3552, Chapter 1

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 4:49 am    Post subject: HALO 3552, Chapter 1 Reply with quote

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HALO 3552, Chapter 1
Posted by Wesley Frost (chefwesley@hotmail.com)
2 December 2007, 11:19 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Wesley_Frost1202072319291.html
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TooTall333
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Joined: 21 Nov 2007
Posts: 1

PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 2:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I myself find this to be pretty well written. Good use of details, you give some background info and your character actually has emotion. But what I did find somethings at fault, seeing how your story is set 1000 years after the Human-Covenant war, the technology has not expanded much.

Quote:
BR-87 battle rifle


The Battle Rifle wouldn't expand so small and the Mjolnir armor would have been replaced with something more cost-effective. All in all I found it to be a good story.
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mplacki
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Joined: 19 Jul 2005
Posts: 50
Location: Ann Arbor, MI

PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 4:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A decent start, but definitely room for improvement.

1) Your story is hard to read, formatting-wise. You should either break the paragraphs into blocks or user [indent] tabs to space things out.

2) Show, don't tell. What does the Mjolnir armor look like now? How is it different? Does the BR-87 look like the BR55? Would it still really be called a "BR" series after 1000 years? (How many companies now are left from last millenium? Not many.) Details, details, details. It's the little things that make the story come alive.

3) Like lots of other writers, you're writing about Spartans. This isn't a problem yet, but it's something you'll want to keep in mind for future chapters: Spartans place important restrictions on what you can and can't write. Spartans are quiet, disciplined, formal, almost to the point of being mechanized. They may have small quirks, but you're pretty limited as to what kind of character flaws they can have.
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