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Soldier Girl: Book 1, Chapter 6

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 11:21 am    Post subject: Soldier Girl: Book 1, Chapter 6 Reply with quote

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Soldier Girl: Book 1, Chapter 6
Posted by Adam Stark (Xvash2@sbcglobal.net)
30 November 2007, 6:03 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Adam_Stark1130070603511.html
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Greenmjolnir
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Joined: 01 Oct 2007
Posts: 14
Location: Fringes of reality

PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 4:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very well written, and interesting. Haven't seen the other chapters before this, but now I think I will take a look.

Just two things bug me, and they are rather minor at that.

One, main character being the best at everything in basic- Marysue.

Two, in basic you NEVER call a Drill "sir". That will just get your a** kicked. The drill is Drill Sergeant. In the navy I don't know what they are called though, but the marines (I assume) still would follow this tradition.

Hooah! Good writing today.
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 12:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your story is not a book. If I can walk into a store and buy a copy of it printed, bound, and published by a publishing syndicate or download a copy of it that is legally recognized as your intellectual property, it's a book or an ebook.

However, it is not legally recognized as your intellectual property, and is not published in printed, bound form. Therefore it is not a book. Do not call it a book if it is not one. I doubt anyone here is deserving of that honour yet, and fan fiction? Definitely not.

It is also not a derivative part of a published, printed and bound article.

Please don't call it what it isn't.
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"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Commander Valois
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Joined: 27 Oct 2007
Posts: 51

PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 3:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hooah...
I liked this story. It tells you some of what the UNSC has to go thru before getting their asses handed to them by Covenant forces. But being the negative person that I am, I need to tell you one thing you did wrong.

Soldier-One who serves in an army.

Now I haven't read the previous parts, but it is to my understanding that the two other men in the platoon are marine recruits, in a marine boot camp. Soldiers would be army recruits in an army boot camp.

Since that's out of the way, a few lines got my attention and made me continue reading...


Quote:
The fastest ones were harassed by the drill instructors. The slowest ones were harassed by the drill instructors


Kinda gives that part a "lose-lose" feel.

Quote:
Tonight, instead of classes, there will be a fun run. Up Olympus Mons. The challenge is designed to test your true limits.


Test you limits is right!

Olympus Mons-
27 Kilometers high
550 kilometers wide

Imagine hiking up that thing "maintaining a strict water discipline."
I would be knocked unconscious at the thought of doing that!



Quote:
A silhouette of a Sanghelli, more affectionately known as Elite, emerged from the grasses. She aimed for the head and fired a round at the concentration of nerves and sensory organs known as the head. The round penetrated and embedded itself in the sand hill behind the range. The target glowed blue momentarily and then ducked back down. As the next one popped up, she fired a single round and the target retracted to the grasses. Each target, each silhouette a synch, like it was a game. She could not have predicted this to be so easy. Thirty-six targets for thirty-six.


Holy snap! She got game! If only everone else in the UNSC would learn to shoot like that...


Before I end this I have one question.
Quote:
This time it's for your medal!

What medal are you refering to?

P.S.
AHH! I just realized something.
Hooah-Army
Oorah-Marines
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Azrael
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 504
Location: Boston

PostPosted: Wed Dec 05, 2007 6:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your first chapter started out with great promise. Your character was full of anxiety, hope, and genuine feeling.

Now, I read your words and I don't get that FEELING anymore. This was better than your second chapter, but the attention to feeling, to the condition of your character, just isn't there for me right now. I really liked your eating scene, but everything else just rang pretty hollow to me.

The dialogue really isn't there. The Drill Instructor's words are fine, but I don't feel like you really capture the voice. Try this as an exercise: when you write the words your characters say, really HEAR them in your head. Try to really describe what the words SOUND like. There's a big difference between:

"Recruit, where did you learn to shoot!?" Shouted the Drill Instructor.
AND
"Recruit, where did you learn to shoot?" The Drill Instructor shouted with incredulity. He was not so much angry as impressed.

You shouldn't have ?! at the end of any sentence. EXPLAIN how the character's sound. We need to have their voices in our minds for us to give them our full attention.

You can do this. You showed a lot of promise when you first submitted, and I expect to see that again.
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