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Amethyst part 2 - Corona

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 3:59 pm    Post subject: Amethyst part 2 - Corona Reply with quote

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Amethyst part 2 - Corona
Posted by kr142616
16 November 2007, 3:10 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kr1426161116070310591.html
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 3:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, a week's gone by and I'm not posting anything this week, so would anyone mind giving some critique here? I'm looking for areas in need of improvement before I submit the next part. That, and I completely forgot about posting it with Thanksgiving. Wink

Anyways, comments would be much appreciated.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 4:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Nest to him sat

Ouch, second sentence. You've got to proofread your stories, 'cause there are a lot of things a spellchecker won't catch.

Quote:
the whirring of the Warthog.

Just a minor thing, but I don't think that in real life a Warthog would be described as "whirring." Just my own preference, though, I guess. Razz

Quote:
and ripped of his helmet.

Ouch. Watch it.

Quote:
"Now, listen. "I've been a marine all my adult life.

There's another one. You've got to proofread thoroughly for GPS errors. I'll stop pointing those out now, but there are probably more. You've got to look out for those.

You've also got a few split infinitives, like here:
Quote:
Jeff could see the marine trying to shout over the music out of the corner of his eye, enjoying himself.

That's not something that would be immediately obvious, but it's still incorrect. Who's enjoying themselves? Jeff or the Marine? We, as the readers, can infer it, but it's a bit awkward, and grammatically incorrect.

The whole scene with the radio seems a bit fake. I don't know why, but it doesn't seem natural. I hope you revised that "armory" scene...

Quote:
Corona.There were

Watch it. That one a spellchecker should have picked up.

Quote:
There were several assault rifles and a pair of shotguns, numerous handguns, boxes of ammunition and preloaded magazines, and packages of explosives, among other things, all neatly arranged, mounted or stacked against the wall.

Well, that's better than it was, though still a bit excessive (assault rifles? Come on, I don't think you could get that many even on the black market), and "explosives" still goes top far. Besides, what kind of explosives? Semtex? Dynamite? Thermite (though that's really more of an incendiary)? Miscellaneous HE?

Quote:
After his loss of temper in the 'Hog, Darin needed to try to get this kid to respect him.

Why does he need the kid's respect? And try to make sure that Jeff and Darin don't turn into cutout characters.


Overall, this wasn't bad, but it wasn't spectacular, and I can't see where the plot's going. I'm also worried that the two of them might end up as Mary Sues/Super Marines. I'm not saying they are, but definitely watch it, okay?

And Wu's a bit late, eh? Razz


Last edited by Phædrus on Sat Nov 24, 2007 5:17 am; edited 1 time in total
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 4:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damn, I didn't see half those GPS. Embarassed I'll make sure next time, I'm usually pretty good with that kind of stuff.

This kind of suffers from being a filler piece in between the first and third piece. I didn't want to tack on the next scene because it would almost double the length, and because it seemed to be better for an opening scene for the next part.

The part about Darin needing the kid's respect has to do more with Darin's personality, although I obviously didn't make that clear enough. He's an arrogant bastard.

The whole bit with the armory is a little over the top, I know, but it was supposed to emphasize how unhinged Jeff's uncle is. He's a paranoid former marine who runs towards the fight instead of away.

And I've been keeping an eye on these two to make sure they don't end up Sues.

Wu is late, yeah. I was looking forward to some reading tonight. Oh, well, it's still Thanksgiving time. Maybe he's out at the Black Friday madness? Razz

Appreciate the comments, Phae, thanks. Smile
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 4:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, at only 1,200 words, this was a little on the short side, so sticking on the next scene wouldn't have hurt much. Razz

Eh, I guess the uncle part is okay, but specify in the next chapter what kind of explosives, and it had better not be C-4, or I'll slap you for being cliché. Wink If you want something non-clichéd that a civilian could conceivably get, I'd say Semtex, or maybe Thermite. Anything else would be either too improbable, or too cliché.

Yeah, I guess Wu probably is a bit busy. But if they aren't posted by 4:00 tomorrow I'll start worrying.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 2:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Phædrus wrote:
Eh, I guess the uncle part is okay, but specify in the next chapter what kind of explosives, and it had better not be C-4, or I'll slap you for being cliché. Wink If you want something non-clichéd that a civilian could conceivably get, I'd say Semtex, or maybe Thermite. Anything else would be either too improbable, or too cliché.


Well, do you know what would make a good homemage grenade, then? Razz And C-4's probably not as restricted with C-7 and C-12 around. Wink
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 9:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, depends on how it's going to be used. Thermite makes a good incendiary grenade, but it doesn't have much explosive force - just a lot of heat. It can throw fire for up to 30 meters, though. However, you've already described the explosives as "bricks," while Thermite would be either a powder or actual grenades. You also need a magnesium fuse to light it. However, it has the advantage of being perfectly legal and very easy to assemble at home (no, I will not tell you how). It burns at 4000 degrees Fahrenheit.

Semtex would come as bricks, though. It's a sort of burnt orange color and it has the consistency of bread dough, and is about as safe. It can be rolled, pinched, and kneaded into any shape you need. You can even set small pieces of it on fire, and it will burn very hot without exploding. However, setting it off with a detonator makes it act like dynamite, only more so. It's used by armed forces all over the world for demolition and as a general explosive. Terrorists love it because it's cheap and was, until recently, very difficult to detect. It also has some use in mining. I suggest Semtex as the explosive. Wink

I learned about Thermite from the book Lucifer's Hammer, by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle, and I learned about Semtex from the book Conquistador, by S.M. Stirling. They don't tell you how to make bombs. Thermite isn't a bomb, as it has industrial uses and doesn't actually explode. Semtex is a controlled substance - it is a plastic explosive, after all - and you can't make it at home. Jeez, next thing you know I'll get a polite knock on my door from an FBI agent. Rolling Eyes Razz
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 11:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A note to all posters:

Please keep in mind neither I nor HBO will tolerate threads or posts on the mixing or preparation of explosives or other 'controversial' substances, or discussions of illegal, quasi-illegal, or controversial acts. As Phaedrus has mentioned, this can and has caused problems in the past.


- Dave.
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