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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 3:59 pm    Post subject: Silence Reply with quote

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Silence
Posted by The Meep (HaloFanatic101@yahoo.com)
15 November 2007, 6:54 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=The_Meep1115070654311.html
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The Meep
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 5:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My first Halofic in a loooong time. Life's busy, and I fell behind.

The idea for this one struck me as I slouched through waves of Calculus homework. Tossing the repungant paper aside, I gave in to my muse and wrote this.

Unfourtunately, it's no where near as good as it could've been, and the fact that this is my first 2nd person POV story and that I wrote it between 12:30 and 1:15 in the morning didn't help. >.o

Hope you ignore the glaring GPS errors I noticed on my last read through.

Cheers, and leave comments please!

~I~
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 6:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Hope you ignore the glaring GPS errors I noticed on my last read through. "

If you noticed them, they should not be in the finished work. You may have been up at 2am, freakng out that you wouldn't get the story in before the weekly update...that's no excuse. Take some pride in your work. Having your piece sit in your computer for another seven days is not a big deal, and it will change your comments from "You had some glaring GPS errors," to comments that actually review your STORY.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 8:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it. I only noticed one minor GPS error, though, not a bunch.

Quote:
Latis realizes the danger you and her are in


Her should be she. It would probably sound better as she and you, though, rather than you and she. I think I saw a spelling error, too, but I'm not sure.

There were a few non-GPS things that stuck out, though, like the mention of the M6E being larger bore than the M6D. The M6 series are already 12.7x33mm, IIRC, and that's big enough to be almost impractical already. The other thing was the rank Sergeant Minor. That's not a real current day rank as far as I know, and I'm curious as to what you meant it to be.

Overall, though, the story was pretty good. I liked the ambiguousness, and I'm a fan of second-person stories, and think they're pretty fun to write. It was a little short, too, but that didn't bug me too much, either.
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 8:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

kr-1426 wrote:
I liked it. I only noticed one minor GPS error, though, not a bunch.

Quote:
Latis realizes the danger you and her are in


Her should be she. It would probably sound better as she and you, though, rather than you and she. I think I saw a spelling error, too, but I'm not sure.


If that is said in conversation you have to remember people don't talk in proper grammar. Reading it as if though someone said it, it sounds acceptable.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 8:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

fallschirmjager wrote:
If that is said in conversation you have to remember people don't talk in proper grammar. Reading it as if though someone said it, it sounds acceptable.


While you should take into account how it sounds when you write something, that shouldn't be more important than grammar unless it sounds absolutely terrible written properly. To each his own, though. Wink
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J. D. Ford
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 8:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For me, GPS errors are only terminal for the work if they occur often enough that it makes it impossible for me to read the piece because the flow is so poor. A good example is Runner, by William C. Dietz. I very much enjoyed the book (although the middle was a little slow) but spotted at least ten of the same kind of spelling errors. Probably closer to fifteen, actually. But that is a work with tens of thousands of words.

Your piece has about 950 words and 8 GPS errors that I could find (normally I don't count such things, but since this has become an 'issue'...). That's not the best ratio. However...the GPS errors did not eject me, the reader, from the flow of the story. I was able to finish it.

It wasn't an easy read, mainly because that extreme level of detail (reminded me of Tom Clancy's writing style in that regard) is difficult for me to uptake at a consistent pace. The GPS errors made it more difficult, but didn't kill it.

So, in my opinion, the piece is still relatively solid overall. The GPS errors merely detract from its integrity and reflect poorly upon you. I must commend you, however, on the description of tactical gear. While it wasn't as streamlined as I would prefer, I did enjoy it.

2PL is a very difficult (IMHO) POV to work with, and I was impressed with your ability to construct a viable story using it.


~J. D. Ford

----------------------------



Last edited by J. D. Ford on Fri Nov 16, 2007 8:53 pm; edited 1 time in total
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 8:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

kr-1426 wrote:
fallschirmjager wrote:
If that is said in conversation you have to remember people don't talk in proper grammar. Reading it as if though someone said it, it sounds acceptable.


While you should take into account how it sounds when you write something, that shouldn't be more important than grammar unless it sounds absolutely terrible written properly. To each his own, though. Wink


But if it's written in context of someone speaking then perhaps it's not incorrect. Perhaps the writer intended for that. I know I write my characters how they talk, not as diction and grammar decide.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 9:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

J. D. Ford wrote:
For me, GPS errors are only terminal for the work if they occur often enough that it makes it impossible for me to read the piece because the flow is so poor. A good example is Runner, by William C. Dietz. I very much enjoyed the book (although the middle was a little slow) but spotted at least ten of the same kind of spelling errors. Probably closer to fifteen, actually. But that is a work with tens of thousands of words.


I read Runner, too, and although I liked the book, Dietz's writing style and the grammar stuff nearly killed the book for me.

Anyways, I really like second person stories, and this is the first story that I've seen here besides one of my own that uses it. If done right it's really entertaining, and I'm glad to see someone else using it.
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The Meep
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just got back and, wow... Most of my stories never got comments, and this one got several within the first 12 hours. Makes me happy.

You see, I was writing on a computer without a word processor, so I re-read it a few times, but I wouldn't have been able to save it, so I posted it as is.

I also read Runner, even if that's a bit random.

I will admit that now I'm reading it fully awake, it was a bit clumsy. Definately not among my top works. :/

So, I'm considering rewriting this for the next Friday with GPS perfect and the story more consistent. Hopefully with more suspense and scenic awareness. Should I do it? Or should I just let this die? Feedback please!

Also, if further comments could avoid GPS errors (that's already been explored enough) and tell me a bit how the story flowed and if the concept was worth writing about, I'd like that alot. Or if you have any questions about what went on inside the story please ask. I'm only here tonight and then I'm gone until Friday, so post quickly if you want to post at all!

O, and by the way, check out my other short story written under the same circumstances, Reality Broken.

~I~


Last edited by The Meep on Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:26 pm; edited 1 time in total
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I was just a bit curious as to what the rank Sergeant Minor signified. As to rewrites, I think they're generally frowned upon.
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The Meep
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is 500 years in the future, so something like Military ranks are bound to change, especially with changes in government and leadership. Look at it this way. in 1500, we had knights, kings, and peasants. Now we have Sergeants, Generals, and Privates.

I don't know why, but Sergeant Minor seems logical to me with a Sergeant and Sergeant Major. A Minor would be like a Corporal... kinda. They'd lead a fireteam of mostly Pvts., PFCs, and the occasional Lance.

~I~
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 1:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Unfortunately, every Halo rank that we know of is exactly the same as a modern US armed forces rank. Nylund has also said that he based the ranking system in the books on USMC and USN ranks.
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The Meep
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 2:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Er, ya, that...

*doesn't have a good answer*

O well, I guess I just really want a Sergeant Minor rank.

Neutral

~I~
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 3:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Meep wrote:
Er, ya, that...

*doesn't have a good answer*

O well, I guess I just really want a Sergeant Minor rank.

Neutral

~I~


I liked the idea behind it, but like Azathoth said, everything's been based off of the American ranking system so far. You still get points for trying to think of something original.
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