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What If Tales: Hill 400

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 3:59 pm    Post subject: What If Tales: Hill 400 Reply with quote

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What If Tales: Hill 400
Posted by Jin1 (jermevans1990@gmail.com)
15 November 2007, 3:30 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jin11115070330021.html
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 8:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

M1 Carbine, Browning Automatic Rifles and Thompson Submachine guns? Come on, mate, I got plastered for using FN FALs and at least they're still in service! Razz

So this is meant to be a "What If" the Covenant attacked in the aftermath of World War II right?

It's an interesting concept but I say the Covenant would not have probably attacked until they knew about the Ark before the canon time line. If the Covenant even existed that is.

Overall it was nicely written but the constant, "his" and "he" was distracting in my opinion. I know you're going for a semi-nameless hero - I know the Sergeant said his name - but sometimes you need to call them by their name as it gets a little stale for a whole piece.

Oh on a side note an M1 Carbine would take a helluvalotta cartridges to down an Elite's personal energy shields if the games are too be believed. And I doubt an Elite's chest would "explode" if you hit it with the .30 cal short round even at close range. The bullet would enter the body and become embedded shortly after. It may not even pierce the physical armour the Elites wear under energy shields even.

Sorry for detracting from your story but I'm a realism fanatic in my writings and video games. Regardless an enjoying read.
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Jin1
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 12:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Its not really a concept, I have been writing these for this website for quite sometime, but realism for Halo? I think you're looking at the wrong place... But thanks for the review... I think...
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 3:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The teeth caused his teeth to chatter with every impact.


What? Laughing


Here you describe the plasma mortars as gray:
Quote:
two dozen large blobs of gray fly gracefully over their position

And here you describe them as blue-white:
Quote:
seeing the latest blue-white blobs fly from the enemy tanks


Make up your mind!

You keep saying blob, blob, blob, it gets a bit tiresome. Describe the plasma shots as "bolts" as well, and maybe "shots." Hell, maybe even plasma would be okay, if used rarely.

You had lots of little minor GPS errors, like missing words and awkward commas, like here:
Quote:
"You're just going to lay there are we going to take this damn hill?"

You're missing the word "or" there.

Quote:
their eyes laced with something which was fear.

Was a bit awkward there. Replace "was" with "must have been."

Quote:
"Good. Okay gentlemen listen up, with our company commander AWOL looks like it's up to us again to get the job done."

Garrr, quit omitting words!

Quote:
Summer. Years ago. The warm air in a light breeze flowing over him as he lay immobile on the ground looking at the heavens, watching the small twinkling lights that danced above him. Wondering what they were.

Years later. Winter. Molly looking at him and frowning at his failed charming attempts but smiling at his bumbling techniques to ask her to a restaurant.

The year the krauts decided to go against the world by invading the Poles and the British and French standing up to say "no" and starting this new Great War.

Weeks ago, his body charging forward, the M1 Garand from North Africa lost in the sea and him with his new Carbine from the dead moving up the beach towards the bunkers that lined the cliffs.

Those were the high lights of his life. Was he going to let them take more away from him? No.


Though this was a nice idea, the execution was a bit lacking. I got that you were trying to get across emotion, but I didn't quite feel it.

Quote:
He looked down at his right ankle; the pants around it were blackened. He slowly reached down and saw that the enemy round didn't hit but came damn close. The skin was hard, blackened and only the area around the hit hurt but the wound itself did not.


I don't think he'd still be alive after that, let alone get up and walk later. Even if it was just a glancing hit, if it was that bad he'd most likely go into shock. It might even have seared some of the major veins in the foot shut, cutting off circulation. You can die quite easily from that. Just a minor thing, but look out for realism.

Quote:
The wretched and wiggled as the pain

... ?

Quote:
three of the smaller beings ran, exposing their backs to him and were helplessly gunned down their bodies lying a pool of their own blue blood.

NEED COMMAS.

Quote:
Three more of the creatures turned, and returned fire, and the two that were on the "machineguns" –who were much bigger than the rest- stood up and fired their own weapons at a much higher rate than the smaller creatures.

A bit awkward there, and besides, I think the troops would have given them nicknames by now.

Quote:
When it finally brought its weapon up, its chest exploded, purple gore splattering forward and it fell to the ground.

I agree with 'Schirm on this one: .30 Carbine would not have enough punch to make an Elite's chest explode. With a full .30-06 I might be able to see that, but not a carbine. Watch your realism.

Quote:
"Wounded," He motioned to his ankle and the medic winced. "Damn it. You can walk right?

GRRRR, separate your dialog. Every time there's a new speaker, start a new paragraph.


All in all, you've got a ton of grammar and punctuation errors, though your spelling was alright. You need to have someone with experience editing go through your stories to make sure that your grammar is correct.

Also, you seem to be developing a Mary Sue. Your character, essentially, saves the day with his grenade and marksmanship, and is then the first to shoot that prisoner. Also the fact that he's walking on a wound that would make a real person scream in agony. There's no overt signs of Mary Sue syndrome yet, but lots of little ones. Watch out for it.
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Jin1
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 6:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Look I don't need someone insulting my work, if your going to give it some critism give some constructive critism, instead of being a jerk about it.

I did not use the word plasma because for the simple fact they don't know what it is, so the word 'blob' I found it to be much more complete and simple than finding a new term for each sentence.

So this may not have been my best story, yes there is a lot of errors but this could be my worst story out there but my character a Mary Su? And it wasn't Rogers who shot the prisoner, it was the Sergeant.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 6:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Calm down.

I didn't find any insults in there. Phae is not insulting your work. He's picking out rough areas for you to improve on and suggesting a course of action. You are the one using sentences like:
Quote:
instead of being a jerk about it.


Phaedrus has taken a lot of time to read, respond, and comb through your stuff to let you know where you went wrong and where you can improve. Calling him a jerk in response to him giving you some advice, even if it wasn't the most pleasant way to go about it, was not called for.

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Jin1
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 7:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well I don't respond to critism well and when I see the "lol" smilie on the first sentence of a review I think the person is trying to make fun of my writing and the comments continuing into the review it just doesn't sound like he was trying to help at all.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you don't respond to criticism well, then maybe it may not be a good idea to post it publicly until you're ABSOLUTELY sure you can take whatever gets thrown at it. You are posting it publicly for everyone to see, and respond to it the way they feel.

If he wasn't trying to help at all, Phaedrus wouldn't have carefully cut-and-pasted, told you why it (or he thought it) wasn't correct, and also left you that note about Mary-Sue and why he figured she might be lurking in this story. Granted I don't agree with the 'lol' smiley either, the '...?s' or allcaps, but you have to give him credit for carefully combing through and giving you some tips, or at least telling you what doesn't work. He's telling you where you messed up so you can avoid making those mistakes in the future. He's taking a good deal of time out of his own schedule to help you.

There is no excuse for responding to that kind of gesture like that. If someone should genuinely flame, report them and I'll deal with them. But there's no law against picking out the mistakes in someone's fiction so they can help get better.

- Dave.
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"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Jin1
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 7:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Considering the fact that I don't have much respect with the Mod team I am going to counter because the mod team isn't going to do anything since I am a nobody here. Thus I am going to defend my work, no matter how bad it is.

Sure he maybe was trying to help but you can give a review and help someone else instead of making snide comments that do not have anything to do with the story itself. I actually do read these reviews and try to fix it but when you do put those things in a review it is "hurtful" in a way.

Look I apologize for my insults, and calling Phaedrus a jerk but he could do some things differently himself.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 8:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, look man, I wasn't trying to be mean or hurtful or insulting. The allcaps and stuff were supposed to be semi-humorous. The "lol" smiley at the beginning is because that typo at the beginning did form a kind of funny sounding sentence. I mean, say it out loud, "The teeth caused his teeth to chatter with every impact."

I'm only trying to help, and that's far from flaming. My critiquing style may be a bit dry and maybe a tad sarcastic, but it's not meant to be insulting. Hell, if you want insulting, read my comment on "Hurt." That's the closest I get to a flame nowadays.

We're trying to help you improve your writing. By pointing out all the various errors, I was trying to help you correct them; not trying to point and laugh and say "Haha, look at how stupid that is, hahaha."

I gave my constructive criticism. If you don't want to take it, fine, but I'll keep pointing out things you need to fix until you fix 'em. I'm not doing it maliciously, I'm doing it to help you. Take it with a grain of salt if you need to, but don't just call me a flamer.

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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jin1 wrote:
Considering the fact that I don't have much respect with the Mod team I am going to counter because the mod team isn't going to do anything since I am a nobody here. Thus I am going to defend my work, no matter how bad it is.


Why do you feel you need to 'counter'? No one's making a move. Everyone starts out with an equal amount of respect from me until they prove to me through their actions they are deserving of more, or conversely, less.

Nobody's attacking your work, why do you feel the need to 'defend' it? Attacking would be 'hay luser u suxx0rs go off n die ur strry is teh sux." Nobody's saying that. Phaedrus has valid points about those mechanical errors and is helping to point them out, and you're 'defending' mechanical errors?

We're trying to help you improve it. And you've got some room for improvement. Here things are posted publicly so others can see and read them, and Louis Wu installed comments pages so others could tell authors what they thought of it. That's the whole reason things are posted publicly, so others could read them.

Just because it has been posted publicly doesn't mean everyone will, or has to respond with flattery.

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Commander Valois
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 10:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's nice to see the greatest country in the world take on the 'Covies.

Can I get a Hooah?

*Akward Silence*

Fine be British, what do I care?

But there was a few, already mentioned mistakes...
Quote:
The teeth caused his teeth to chatter with every impact.


As Phædrus said, it is kind of funny when you say it really loud...

Quote:
Weeks ago, his body charging forward, the M1 Garand from North Africa lost in the sea and him with his new Carbine from the dead moving up the beach towards the bunkers that lined the cliffs.
What??? I just had a hard time understanding it at first...

Quote:
The wretched and wiggled as the pain flowed through

???

There are other mistakes metioned earlier but I like what you have done, but really dude, if the 'Covies attacked back then, we were worse then screwed...

PS. Someone has been playing MOH Airborne... Very Happy
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 11:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

While an interesting concept, the aforementioned errors and discrepencies make this an extremely difficult piece to read.

May I give you a friendly bit of advice? Regardless of how much writing experience you have, or how long you've been involved here at HBO, always strive to take constructive criticism for what it's worth. In some cases, that criticism blends with personal preference-type comments that you can disregard. However, when those who truly understand the craft better than you (and I assure you, there will always be someone like that in this world) take the time to point out potential problems with your writing, just listen.

Don't post revisions, retorts, or clarifications. Don't argue. Don't debate. Instead, close your internet browser, sit down with the critiqued piece, and write. Edit, revise, learn. Let's be honest...the things we say here are, in the end, of very little value or importance. What really matters is how you choose to learn the varied aspects of this business...of writing well.

Don't let what you read here define you, or your writing. Let it serve as a starting point for a lifestyle of learning, of study. If you haven't read it already, I'd suggest picking up Orson Scott Card's How to Write Science Fiction & Fantasy, for starters. You should be able to find it in the reference section of your nearest major bookstore. Browse their writing reference selection, and look for topical books on exposition. That seems to be where the majority of your troubles lie.

You certainly have a creative vision (I'm sure many would not have considered writing a WWII-Covenant story). Don't let that vision get sidetracked by what others think of you and your writing. Seek to become a better writer, not merely a well-liked one.

In the end, all glory is fleeting.


~J. D. Ford
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 12:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jin1 wrote:
Its not really a concept, I have been writing these for this website for quite sometime, but realism for Halo? I think you're looking at the wrong place...


There's a difference between "realism" and "common sense".

If you took any time to research it, you'd know the M1 Carbine would be the last weapon you'd use against larger than a frickin' cat. Let alone expect to kill it in "a couple of hits."
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The Militant Poet
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

it was an interesting concept, but the GPS errors, as everyone has mentioned already, detracted from the story.

I'm not going to go over them all because frankly everyone else has already.

The only advice I can give is to just try again, make sure to proof read it, and pay a bit more attention to realism. Once all of those things are taken into consideration, then your story will undoubtedly be fantanstic.
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