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UNSC Chronicles: Soldier Girl, Book 1, Chapter 2

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 3:59 pm    Post subject: UNSC Chronicles: Soldier Girl, Book 1, Chapter 2 Reply with quote

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UNSC Chronicles: Soldier Girl, Book 1, Chapter 2
Posted by Adam Stark (Xvash2@sbcgloal.net)
12 November 2007, 10:55 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Adam_Stark1112072255431.html
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 11:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's one of my pet peeves calling it a 'book' if it isn't legally copyrighted, bound, published, printed, and sold on the open market. It is not a book. A book is made of paper.

I don't think anyone here has earned the right to call it a book. Especially a fanfic. Don't call it something it isn't.

- Dave.
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"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 11:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Also, this has absolutely nothing to do with the UNSC Chronicles Project. We established this on the UNSC Chronicles site, but he'd already submitted it here. Just so everyone knows.
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Xvash2
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 6:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I refer to it as a "Book" not as like a book book, but like if you've read "A Tale of Two Cities", it is divided into three "books" each with about 15 chapters.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 7:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Tale of Two Cities is published, printed, and sold on the open market in ink-and-paper form. Those 'books' are divisions of the same printed work and are just bound together inbetween the same cover.

Yours, however, is not a printed, published work. It would be more fitting to call it a 'part.'

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 2:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was, frankly, disappointed by this. Your first chapter was pretty good. It was filled with tension and I was eagerly awaiting what was next for your characters.

This fell way short. Your dialog was artificial and didn't sound at all like how real people would talk. Have a conversation with your friends. Listen to what the rhythm of their speech sounds like. Mimic that. This current dialog just doesn't work. It sounds wooden...obviously written.

Also, before your cryo sleep scene you inexplicably change tenses. WHY? You went from past tense to present...it's bizarre.

Take more time with these chapters. You showed a lot of promise with your first chapter; try to get that essence back.
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