HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4352

This topic is for posting comments to:

UNSC Chronicles: Soldier Girl, Book 1, Chapter 2
Posted by Adam Stark (Xvash2@sbcgloal.net)
12 November 2007, 10:55 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Adam_Stark1112072255431.html

SYSTEM · Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 11:33 pm Post subject:

It's one of my pet peeves calling it a 'book' if it isn't legally copyrighted, bound, published, printed, and sold on the open market. It is not a book. A book is made of paper.

I don't think anyone here has earned the right to call it a book. Especially a fanfic. Don't call it something it isn't.

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

Phædrus · Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 11:54 pm Post subject:

Also, this has absolutely nothing to do with the UNSC Chronicles Project. We established this on the UNSC Chronicles site, but he'd already submitted it here. Just so everyone knows.

Xvash2 · Member Joined: 10 Sep 2006 Posts: 17

I refer to it as a "Book" not as like a book book, but like if you've read "A Tale of Two Cities", it is divided into three "books" each with about 15 chapters.
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The ending of I Love Bees still makes me cry.

SYSTEM · Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 7:54 am Post subject:

A Tale of Two Cities is published, printed, and sold on the open market in ink-and-paper form. Those 'books' are divisions of the same printed work and are just bound together inbetween the same cover.

Yours, however, is not a printed, published work. It would be more fitting to call it a 'part.'

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

Azrael · Member Joined: 10 Aug 2004 Posts: 504 Location: Boston

I was, frankly, disappointed by this. Your first chapter was pretty good. It was filled with tension and I was eagerly awaiting what was next for your characters.

This fell way short. Your dialog was artificial and didn't sound at all like how real people would talk. Have a conversation with your friends. Listen to what the rhythm of their speech sounds like. Mimic that. This current dialog just doesn't work. It sounds wooden...obviously written.

Also, before your cryo sleep scene you inexplicably change tenses. WHY? You went from past tense to present...it's bizarre.

Take more time with these chapters. You showed a lot of promise with your first chapter; try to get that essence back.
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...now that's some gritty shizzle.