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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 3:59 pm    Post subject: Welcome Home... Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Welcome Home...
Posted by Commander Valois (Llamaboy225@yahoo.com)
10 November 2007, 1:20 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Commander_Va1110070120591.html
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Commander Valois
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Joined: 27 Oct 2007
Posts: 51

PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 9:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
securly

Quote:
Defence


Yes I know...Don't hate me for something that wasn't entirely my fault...

Loading...
Spell check is not functional at the moment...
Ask again later... Sad
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The Meep
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Joined: 24 Mar 2006
Posts: 79
Location: Auburn, Maine E-mail me if there are any nearby LANs

PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's wut proofreading's for. >.o

As for the actual story, I was a bit lost. Is this a preamble for a series? Because it ended in somewhat of a cliffhanger (or just a cliff, actually). There was no obvious plot, and Valois didn't act like any Commander I've read about.

Other than that, dialogue was good, only a few GPS errors (my story, Silence, suffered the same fate this week), and solid sentences. Hope this is part of a series, because now I'm intrigued...

~I~
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 12:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

There is no excuse for not proofreading. No excuse. Perfectly correct grammar and spelling are not optional, blaming it on your computer, and most gallingly of all telling us beforehand and expecting us to excuse you for it and treat it lightly is like a capital sin, and expect comments to reflect this accordingly.

Only YOU can type properly. Your computer is a tool. It isn't a writing assistant.

In the world of machining and technology, we're all told one basic rule: Your machine is a machine. It cannot think. It cannot use logic. It cannot use reason. It does EXACTLY what you tell it to, and it will keep going until you stop it. And if it's broken, you fix it before you use it. The same goes for your computer.

I said this to you last time; when I do a job for my supervisor, if I can't do it, I get help or get advice. I don't halfass it and then say, "hay boss i wasn't able to do it gud plz dont fire me." If I can't do it, I get some advice, I get some help, and I make an effort to improve. When someone does a job for me, I better be smiling at them when I cut them a cheque for their services, because if I ain't smiling in appreciation for their services, they ain't getting that cheque. Plain n' simple. That's how life works. You give it your all, and life gives back. You halfass it, and life will roll over you.

First thing. Don't overuse ellipses. They are not dramatic pauses. They mark omissions or material you've purposely left out. Avoid them for now; you're not quoting passages.

'THRU' <- never use that. That's for MSN. Don't be lazy.

Also, I smell a Mary-Sue brewing, and not just any Mary-Sue, but an ego-boost wish fufilment Mary-Sue. You're naming a character after yourself, putting him in a prestigious position, and on top of that making him some "Classic American Hero." Not a good idea. Read up on who Mary-Sue is, why characters turn into her, and why the particular incarnation of her, the ego-boost or wish-fufilment mary-sue wrecks stories. There's a sticky left in the Writer's Guild section for reference, here's the link: http://hboff.bungie.org/viewtopic.php?t=4815

And remember what I said, do your best. You're clearly capable of doing better, do it. I don't want to hear your excuses, especially if they're going to be directed towards your computer. You have the energy, you have the time. You also have the talent. And if you don't, you'll learn to develop it.

- Dave.
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Phædrus
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Joined: 13 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 12:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Listen to what Dave says. He knows his stuff. And spell checkers don't "break." If you've got errors on there, you either didn't use a spell checker, or you didn't pay attention to it. Proofreading is your friend.

Quote:
fuzzy feeling thru his body


No, no, no! Never use "thru" in literature. It may be used as an abbreviation on signs or in texting, but never use it in a story.

Your character is turning into a Sue, and it might already be too late. A Sue is a character that is too perfect, that has no realistic flaws. Then there are "wish fulfillment" Sues, who are characters that you model after yourself and imagine being. In essence, you're writing the story for yourself. But writing is supposed to be entertaining for other people to read, not just you. A wish fulfillment Sue is to a well-rounded character as masturbating is to sex.

http://www.springhole.net/quizzes/marysue.htm
Take that quiz for your character Valois, and answer the questions truthfully. Lying to the test doesn't help you at all. This test isn't there to insult your character, it's there to help you make your character better.

You need to work on your characters and story telling. For most of the story I had no idea whatsoever as to what was going on. You also switched tenses between past and present. Watch out for that.

Overall, you have the potential to write well, but you need to work on your characters, story, and GPS. Your writing style is immature, but it can get better. Just keep working on it, and follow peoples' advice.
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.

PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 12:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Phædrus wrote:
http://www.springhole.net/quizzes/marysue.htm
Take that quiz for your character Valois, and answer the questions truthfully. Lying to the test doesn't help you at all. This test isn't there to insult your character, it's there to help you make your character better.


Precisely. I was surprised the first time I took the test, my protagonist of Long Time Gone scored thirty six. For the rewrite I spent about a week going through each characters motives and drives until I finally was happy with the characters.

The protagonist only scores around eight now and most of that is only because he shares the same first name as I.
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Commander Valois
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Joined: 27 Oct 2007
Posts: 51

PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 1:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dave Luck wrote:
There is no excuse for not proofreading. No excuse. Perfectly correct grammar and spelling are not optional, blaming it on your computer, and most gallingly of all telling us beforehand and expecting us to excuse you for it and treat it lightly is like a capital sin, and expect comments to reflect this accordingly.

Only YOU can type properly. Your computer is a tool. It isn't a writing assistant.

In the world of machining and technology, we're all told one basic rule: Your machine is a machine. It cannot think. It cannot use logic. It cannot use reason. It does EXACTLY what you tell it to, and it will keep going until you stop it. And if it's broken, you fix it before you use it. The same goes for your computer.

I said this to you last time; when I do a job for my supervisor, if I can't do it, I get help or get advice. I don't halfass it and then say, "hay boss i wasn't able to do it gud plz dont fire me." If I can't do it, I get some advice, I get some help, and I make an effort to improve. When someone does a job for me, I better be smiling at them when I cut them a cheque for their services, because if I ain't smiling in appreciation for their services, they ain't getting that cheque. Plain n' simple. That's how life works. You give it your all, and life gives back. You halfass it, and life will roll over you.

First thing. Don't overuse ellipses. They are not dramatic pauses. They mark omissions or material you've purposely left out. Avoid them for now; you're not quoting passages.

'THRU' <- never use that. That's for MSN. Don't be lazy.

Also, I smell a Mary-Sue brewing, and not just any Mary-Sue, but an ego-boost wish fufilment Mary-Sue. You're naming a character after yourself, putting him in a prestigious position, and on top of that making him some "Classic American Hero." Not a good idea. Read up on who Mary-Sue is, why characters turn into her, and why the particular incarnation of her, the ego-boost or wish-fufilment mary-sue wrecks stories. There's a sticky left in the Writer's Guild section for reference, here's the link: http://hboff.bungie.org/viewtopic.php?t=4815

And remember what I said, do your best. You're clearly capable of doing better, do it. I don't want to hear your excuses, especially if they're going to be directed towards your computer. You have the energy, you have the time. You also have the talent. And if you don't, you'll learn to develop it.

- Dave.


I was kidding when I blamed my computer for my errors...
It was entirely my fault and I accept that, notice the " Sad "

Dave, whats makes you think that I would turn into a "Mary-Sue" character? Pain and suffering is what I specialize in, and I intend to put it in EVERY story I write.

The beginning of the story acts like brief, history lessons if you will, and do not directly effect me...

"Wish fulfilment Sues"
Unlike this freak commanding a starship, I'm stuck on a US Naval Base in Italy...(Well, I was, Ask all most anything you want-oh and to make it clear, my father was in the miltary not me.)

And in some akward way,"Kirking" will be a part of my series, you just won't know which two people are involved.(besides the two being obvious Wink )

PS.
Quote:
A wish fulfillment Sue is to a well-rounded character as masturbating is to sex.


I...Just, whoa... That makes you pity any one bearing the name "wish fulfillment sue..."
Dang...Just...Dang...
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Last edited by Commander Valois on Sat Nov 17, 2007 3:33 am; edited 1 time in total
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Phædrus
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Joined: 13 Sep 2004
Posts: 957
Location: Southern California

PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 1:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'd still recommend running your character through this: http://www.springhole.net/quizzes/marysue.htm Your character's name alone gives him a score of 12, which isn't a bad overall score, but is really bad for the first few questions. Remember, we're not trying to insult you, we're trying to make you a better writer, and one of the key aspects of that is avoiding even apparent Mary Sue-ness.
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