HBO Fan Fiction

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Welcome to Shatella - Chapter 1
Posted by Beep (M_Bassos@hotmail.com)
17 November 2004, 3:58 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=beep.1117040358241.html

[Beep]

Sorry about the grammar mistake guys, I re-read through this way too late at night.

Any constructive critism is appreciated on how I can become a better writer.

[SYSTEM]

I'm glad to help, Beep.

You're doing quite well, Beep. I'm impressed. About the Grammar, take your time. If it's late, work in the morning, when you feel fresh. Enjoy your work.

Now, all that remains are some wrong words, "Viscous" is a term applied to liquids, meaning "Internal Friction" or how thick the liquid is. Elites certainly don't look like water to me.

About the Code, I'm glad you used it. Now, all you have to do is use the indentation feature when you begin a new paragraph, or when someone talks. It's as simple as, that, as simple as that.

Your writing can only improve with practice, Beep. Keep at it!

- Dave.

[Chuckles]

You have a nice, fluid style. Most importantly, you are a natural at showing the action rather than narrating it. Nice job.

I don't know what you have in store for us next, but so far it seems that your imagination is not keeping up with your writing skill. What we have here is a very well written bit that doesn't cover much ground. What happened in this chapter was enough info for a few paragraphs, but not an entire chapter.

I think that tension is the key to a good story, and you are missing an oppurtunity here. Yes, Hawkins is in mortal danger. But, since this is only chapter one, we don't give a rip about Hawkins yet. Make us care about this guy and then put him in danger. Make us sweat a little. In my opinion if you are going to open with your protagonist in the middle of the action, show him kicking butt, not getting his butt kicked. Then later, when Elites are staring down at him and it seems that he is going to be defeated it means something to the reader. If you don't give the reader something to lose in your story, you are gonna lose the reader.

But hey, you know your story bettter than I do, and you might have a good reason for what you did. We'll wait and see. Don't let my criticism obscure that fact that I think your writing was very good. I'll look forward to chapter two.

C.T. Clown

[russ687]

Okay, let me say the first thing that came to my mind while reading:

This is actually pretty good.

Your writing style is very nice, and it flowed easy to read. I didn't get bored with it at any point, and the descriptions were great. You captured my imagination and I could picture everything clearly enough to paint the story in my head. Good job.

However, it looked like you were writing this on MS Word, because while there was only one spelling error, a lot of the words were just wrong; not spelled wrong, but just the wrong word. I knew what you were trying to say, but watch out for that, because MS Word won't always catch those.

Also, Covenant is always capatilized, along with all the species (i.e. Grunt).

This story started out good, but make sure to clean up all the minor mistakes. Also, using the Code in full will help a lot (i.e. [indent] to indent at the beginning of every parapgraph and dialogue).

I'm not sure if this is your first story or not, but you've given me a little more hope about the newer writers at HBO.

-Russ

[MC's Cousin]

I am pleased to announce that this is my 500th post here on the new system at HBOFF!!!!! Man, my fingers are sore!


Now, onto the actual story here. Indents would help you in there. Formatting is an important thing to consider in a story. It makes a story easier to read, which means it will be more plesant, which means people can get more out of it.
Watch those run-ons.
Now, as for Hawkins, I agree with all that has been said here. You can get away with sticking a character right into the action; BUT, you have to make sure that you give us some background and emotion from the charcter so that we actually feel something. Have you ever read Tom Clancy's Without Remorse? Now that is a GREAT example of feeling for characters. I swear, I would have killed some of those people had they been real; no joke.
Also, you need to use some different termage in there. Don't get repedetive; make sure to use multiple terms and such. Use a thesorus (spelling). This applies also to your character. Use more than the guy's last name. Use his first and his rank. Variety is a good thing.
Now, the next thing I would work on, if I was you, would be your flow. Make sure that all of your words work in each sentense, and even in each paragraph. Everything should sound right and not cause a pause in reading.
While your at it, amp up your details a tad. Yours were actually pretty darned good as they were, so good work there, but just make sure to get things explained and described pristinely.

Overall, this is a very good start for you. Very nice indeed for a newer writer (you are new right?). Keep working your hardest on these things, Good luck and have fun!
_________________
-MCC

[SYSTEM]

*TOOT TOOT*

(Play loud fanfare to emphasise this moment.)

Congrats, MCC!

Anyhow, Beep, we're glad to have you on board!

- Dave
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

[Chuckles]

Without Remorse was an incredible novel. I highly recommend it for aspiring action writers. That, and everything else written by Tom Clancy.

C.T. Clown