| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
hboff
Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
|
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
fallschirmjager
Member
Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.
|
 Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 12:48 am Post subject: |
 |
|
I liked this. Very interesting concept. The two varied characters give you the opportunity to describe the immorality of war and experience a devastating war zone through the eyes of a civilian and those of a trained soldier.
Some issues I had was the use of numerals. Numerals look good if you are showing a type letter or inventory statement or in the date and time titles. But in the midst of the story it sticks out like a sore thumb and in my opinion, ruins the flow of the story.
_________________
We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.
Will you keep my secrets hope to die? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
kr1
IRC Channel Operator
Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 12:34 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| fallschirmjager wrote: | I liked this. Very interesting concept. The two varied characters give you the opportunity to describe the immorality of war and experience a devastating war zone through the eyes of a civilian and those of a trained soldier.
Some issues I had was the use of numerals. Numerals look good if you are showing a type letter or inventory statement or in the date and time titles. But in the midst of the story it sticks out like a sore thumb and in my opinion, ruins the flow of the story. |
Thanks!
I normally don't use numerals in my stories, I must have forgotten to take this one out. Thanks for pointing it out, though. Was that the street name I used? That's all I could think of.
_________________
 |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Nick Kang
Member
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University
|
| Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 12:54 am Post subject: |
|
|
Nice job. I like the way you developed Jeff as a character. He felt like a real person for the most part. I did have an issue, though, with how much you mentioned his name. A lot of it was just Jeff Jeff Jeff. You didn't seem to do it as much once it changed perspectives over to the Marine, so that's good.
I also like some of your descriptions. The way you described the plasma bombardment as looking like the sun was falling was pretty cool, though I'd expect that if a giant flaming plasma bomb hit just a few kilometers away, Jeff and his girlfriend would be wisps of smoke in the charred air. A minor plot hole, but I'll go with it.
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
kr1
IRC Channel Operator
Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September
|
| Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 8:51 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Nick Kang wrote: | Nice job. I like the way you developed Jeff as a character. He felt like a real person for the most part. I did have an issue, though, with how much you mentioned his name. A lot of it was just Jeff Jeff Jeff. You didn't seem to do it as much once it changed perspectives over to the Marine, so that's good.
I also like some of your descriptions. The way you described the plasma bombardment as looking like the sun was falling was pretty cool, though I'd expect that if a giant flaming plasma bomb hit just a few kilometers away, Jeff and his girlfriend would be wisps of smoke in the charred air. A minor plot hole, but I'll go with it. |
I did kind of think of that, and what I came up with was that it was just a small plasma bomb, since most of the Covie capital ships were busy in orbit and couldn't be too distracted. It is a bit of a stretch, though. Thanks for the comments. 
_________________
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
FAQ
Search
Memberlist
Usergroups
Register
Profile
Log in to check your private messages
Log in
