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Amethyst part 1: Planetfall

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 12:49 pm    Post subject: Amethyst part 1: Planetfall Reply with quote

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Amethyst part 1: Planetfall
Posted by kr142616 (kr142616@aim.com)
24 October 2007, 2:08 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kr1426161024070208271.html
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 12:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this. Very interesting concept. The two varied characters give you the opportunity to describe the immorality of war and experience a devastating war zone through the eyes of a civilian and those of a trained soldier.

Some issues I had was the use of numerals. Numerals look good if you are showing a type letter or inventory statement or in the date and time titles. But in the midst of the story it sticks out like a sore thumb and in my opinion, ruins the flow of the story.
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 12:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

fallschirmjager wrote:
I liked this. Very interesting concept. The two varied characters give you the opportunity to describe the immorality of war and experience a devastating war zone through the eyes of a civilian and those of a trained soldier.

Some issues I had was the use of numerals. Numerals look good if you are showing a type letter or inventory statement or in the date and time titles. But in the midst of the story it sticks out like a sore thumb and in my opinion, ruins the flow of the story.


Thanks!

I normally don't use numerals in my stories, I must have forgotten to take this one out. Thanks for pointing it out, though. Was that the street name I used? That's all I could think of.
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 12:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice job. I like the way you developed Jeff as a character. He felt like a real person for the most part. I did have an issue, though, with how much you mentioned his name. A lot of it was just Jeff Jeff Jeff. You didn't seem to do it as much once it changed perspectives over to the Marine, so that's good.

I also like some of your descriptions. The way you described the plasma bombardment as looking like the sun was falling was pretty cool, though I'd expect that if a giant flaming plasma bomb hit just a few kilometers away, Jeff and his girlfriend would be wisps of smoke in the charred air. A minor plot hole, but I'll go with it.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 8:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nick Kang wrote:
Nice job. I like the way you developed Jeff as a character. He felt like a real person for the most part. I did have an issue, though, with how much you mentioned his name. A lot of it was just Jeff Jeff Jeff. You didn't seem to do it as much once it changed perspectives over to the Marine, so that's good.

I also like some of your descriptions. The way you described the plasma bombardment as looking like the sun was falling was pretty cool, though I'd expect that if a giant flaming plasma bomb hit just a few kilometers away, Jeff and his girlfriend would be wisps of smoke in the charred air. A minor plot hole, but I'll go with it.


I did kind of think of that, and what I came up with was that it was just a small plasma bomb, since most of the Covie capital ships were busy in orbit and couldn't be too distracted. It is a bit of a stretch, though. Thanks for the comments. Very Happy
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