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Battlestar Galactica: Halo: Prologue

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 3:17 pm    Post subject: Battlestar Galactica: Halo: Prologue Reply with quote

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Battlestar Galactica: Halo: Prologue
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher&DF-Pliskin (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
16 November 2004, 6:21 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ens_rabid_ga.1116041821511.html
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 3:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Indentation would be appreciated. Hang in there.

- Dave.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 4:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I started to watch that series, but, it just didn't interest me. Now Stargate, that is a good show!

Ever heard of the Code? I see you used italics, but, you know, indents would be nice, too.

A ship in space would make no sound regardless.

Okay, it is time I say this a second time:
I know many of you may want to write about the ending of Halo 2, but leave that to Bungie. If you do decide to take on teh task, don't think just because you do it will make you cool. Develop things out and make sure that all of your details line up and make sense.

You need to describe more. We can't see what you see, and we don't know what you know about the story. So, you have to use detail to describe and explain things.
There was a section in there where you used a lot of big words. Be you thought you were smart? Well, you have to learn where to use such words. The way you used them just didn't work.

Overall, I think you had good intent, but next time you decide to combine something like this, it would be wise to develop it more, so that everything fits together and makes sense. You should have someone that is well versed in all that is Halo proofread this as well.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 4:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You had a combination of things in this story that I have never seen before. You had some imaginative and well constructed sentences that showed evidence of learned writing, and yet some sentences that looked profoundly newbish. Some large words were used well, while most were used very badly. Some plot points were inventive and sophisticated, while others were naive and clunky. At the beginning of your story your sentences were stunted and pace-killing, but later your sentence were longer and more advanced.

Question How did you manage that Question

All in all, quite a conflicted piece. You show great imagination and your writing shows promise, but it seems to have a light and a dark side to it. Run for the light.

C.T. Clown
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 12:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Most of the word choice belonged to good ol DF-Pliskin, but, as you can see, he can't write big sentences. But, we found out what the Code actually meant now (rolls laugh track). . .and we plan to use it in both Halo: The Sector Wars and this series.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 1:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, ENS, keep at it. Just keep in your comfort zone.

- Dave.
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