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Johnny

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 9:51 am    Post subject: Johnny Reply with quote

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Johnny
Posted by Wolf
14 October 2007, 2:27 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Wolf1014071427301.html
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axim
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Joined: 22 Apr 2007
Posts: 27

PostPosted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 12:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i have to say man, this is one great poem, i really like it, never looked at telling a story like that, in a way its the complete opposite to how a story should be told, only actions and no detail, he did this he did that and than he did this, but you took it to a level where its great like this, and the message, that was also very deep, though halsway i think there was a word i'm unfermilar with because it makes no sence to me:P

great poem
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Lord Beleth
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Joined: 01 Oct 2007
Posts: 46
Location: USA

PostPosted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 1:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked the idea of the hidden message within the poem although it could have been pulled off more better. As a creator of such a poem you have to get real creative and try to come up with something real ingenious without really throwing the secret in the reader's face. But I know something like that is really hard to pull off.

Try to make it seem more sense and work on the rhyming next time also.

And, it's an idea I always wanted to experiment with. You did pretty ok for first try at it.

Keep'em coming.

Hails,
Lord Beleth
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"Individual science fiction stories may seem as trivial as ever to the blinder critics and philosophers of today - but the core of science fiction, its essence has become crucial to our salvation if we are to be saved at all." -Isaac Asimov
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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Joined: 11 Oct 2004
Posts: 1073
Location: In the tower above the earth

PostPosted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 11:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

To Axim: Thankyou very much, the idea came to me to just write a very, very simplistic story, and then I figured the short sentences suited a poem style submission and that's how we got this. Which word are you talking about, if I might ask? Ambivalent? I think I used it in the wrong context, to be honest, I meant it in the way that they seemed so real and lifelike but at the same time they were dead and cold and distant pictures. Thanks for the response.

To Belath: It's good to get some constructive criticism and I thank you for that. I wasn't intending it to be a secret, really, I wanted it out in the open as like a semi-subtle message intertwined in the poem, and I think that the varying ways in which I presented the phrase suited the purpose I ended it to serve; as just a sort of... a message I suppose, to the Covenant from the thousands of dead UNSC soldiers. The second part of the message was just my way of saying Johnny embraced Death when it came with acceptance. I don't know, it was the last thing to be added to the poem Razz Now the rhyming has been mentioned twice, and I wonder what you mean by this? I agree there's a word in there in the rhyming section that seems to fit only just, but the rest of the poem is not intended to rhyme at all, only the single sentence multiple character sections. Anyway, I digress. Thanks for the review, and I'd advise you to check out my other poems if you want to see the other styles I've used in writing; they're under my other moniker 'Commander Demitri Wolf'. Thanks once more.

To The Militant Poet: Thank you thank you, I really appreciate that accolade. Can I ask what of it you enjoyed?

Thanks again to everyone who read.
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The Militant Poet
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Joined: 13 Oct 2007
Posts: 44

PostPosted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 4:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Commander Demitri Wolf wrote:
To Axim: Thankyou very much, the idea came to me to just write a very, very simplistic story, and then I figured the short sentences suited a poem style submission and that's how we got this. Which word are you talking about, if I might ask? Ambivalent? I think I used it in the wrong context, to be honest, I meant it in the way that they seemed so real and lifelike but at the same time they were dead and cold and distant pictures. Thanks for the response.

To Belath: It's good to get some constructive criticism and I thank you for that. I wasn't intending it to be a secret, really, I wanted it out in the open as like a semi-subtle message intertwined in the poem, and I think that the varying ways in which I presented the phrase suited the purpose I ended it to serve; as just a sort of... a message I suppose, to the Covenant from the thousands of dead UNSC soldiers. The second part of the message was just my way of saying Johnny embraced Death when it came with acceptance. I don't know, it was the last thing to be added to the poem Razz Now the rhyming has been mentioned twice, and I wonder what you mean by this? I agree there's a word in there in the rhyming section that seems to fit only just, but the rest of the poem is not intended to rhyme at all, only the single sentence multiple character sections. Anyway, I digress. Thanks for the review, and I'd advise you to check out my other poems if you want to see the other styles I've used in writing; they're under my other moniker 'Commander Demitri Wolf'. Thanks once more.

To The Militant Poet: Thank you thank you, I really appreciate that accolade. Can I ask what of it you enjoyed?

Thanks again to everyone who read.


When I look at the poem now from the perspective of "not all of it is supposed to rhyme" I actually like it better. The short, consise, almost rythmic sentences being thrown off by the occasional longer, less rhythmic sentences really acted more as a throw-back into the reality of the story within the poem itself, rather than a hindrance to the overall flow of the poem. It's like when an unexpected event all of the sudden explodes on screen in a movie; it captures your attention and really brings you back from the sound of the words, and into the story of the words.

And this line struck a particular chord with me. I don't think anybody could have written it better. It is fantastic and strangely emotional on a level only shared with the "believe" ad campaign.

Johnny burnt
Clayton died
Frankie suffered
Humanity cried

Johnny slept
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