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HALO: Cydonia Thunder - Part 1

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 3:37 pm    Post subject: HALO: Cydonia Thunder - Part 1 Reply with quote

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HALO: Cydonia Thunder - Part 1
Posted by UNSC Trooper (unsctrooper@hotmail.com)
9 October 2007, 6:00 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=UNSC_Trooper1009071800461.html
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Lord Beleth
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Joined: 01 Oct 2007
Posts: 46
Location: USA

PostPosted: Sat Oct 13, 2007 12:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like the first few paragraphs and I like the idea of the hostage situation. But I'd send in Special Ops forces and not a bunch of Marines. Even though the game is solely based on Marines, you shouldn't shun out the rest of the branches. Plus, you need to be a lot more descriptive, get the readers inside your characters' mind and give them a real good clear picture on the story. Also, you had some run-on sentences. I literally read one paragraph (if it was one) that was one sentence. So, next time, lengthen your paragraph up and try to avoid run-on sentences. Make things more descriptive (which I like a lot) and use your imagination more.

But overall, I liked this story. Good job, and good luck! Hope to see more from you.

Hails,
Lord Beleth
_________________
"Individual science fiction stories may seem as trivial as ever to the blinder critics and philosophers of today - but the core of science fiction, its essence has become crucial to our salvation if we are to be saved at all." -Isaac Asimov
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