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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September
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 Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 8:30 pm Post subject: |
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For anyone who read my older story "Brother", this is a sequel of kinds. It features the same character, but years later.
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Lord Beleth
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Joined: 01 Oct 2007
Posts: 46
Location: USA
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| Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2007 12:34 am Post subject: |
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Hm, seemed kinda rushed to me, specially the ending of this story.
I notice this too:
| Quote: | "Calm down, sarge, it's just me," Chan said. He looked like he might laugh. "It's your watch." The corporal held out a shotgun.
O'Brian took it, grumbling, and crawled out of his warm sleeping bag. "Who's got next watch?" he asked.
"Waters and Tinier again, sir. We figured we'd let you sleep."
"Well, tell everyone thanks. And don't mention I almost smoked you," he said. The squad already had enough stories about their crazy old sergeant. They didn't need to hear any more, particularly one like this. The other squads were already afraid of him.
O'Brian took the shotgun from the private, and moved towards the end of hallway. Behind him, he heard Phillips waking Dalton for his watch. He nodded over his shoulder to them, and turned back to the hallway exit, where an unpleasant mist swirled. |
Apparently he took two shotguns from two different people. Or did he take another from the same corporal that first gave him one? Watch for little things like that to avoid some confusion.
Another thing. Try to be more descriptive and detailed on what's going on. But this was a pretty good read, mate.
I'm gonna try and read Brother and I wish you luck for the future.
Hail,
Lord Beleth
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"Individual science fiction stories may seem as trivial as ever to the blinder critics and philosophers of today - but the core of science fiction, its essence has become crucial to our salvation if we are to be saved at all." -Isaac Asimov |
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kr1
IRC Channel Operator
Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September
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| Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2007 1:14 am Post subject: |
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Hmm, I'm not sure what happened there. I think I might have used another character originally, but switched it to someone else later on. Either way, it's just a silly mistake, no other meaning or anything.
As to it seeming rushed, I didn't spend as much time editing the second half as I did the first. I had just the first half finished for a good couple months before I finally finished this. I think it's partially just how I write, though. Most of my stories are really short, and I have trouble trying to draw them out. I guess that's something I need to work on.
Anyways, thanks for the comments, and I'm glad you liked it.
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