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The Fall of New Mombassa Part 1

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 05, 2007 12:11 pm    Post subject: The Fall of New Mombassa Part 1 Reply with quote

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The Fall of New Mombassa Part 1
Posted by Havoc 101 (syrtisminor@gmail.com)
28 September 2007, 7:35 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Havoc_1010928071935331.html
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Halo Fanatic 2006
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Location: Azeroth, I can't find my way out!

PostPosted: Fri Oct 05, 2007 8:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your cannon and knowledge was okay, but try not to jump between characters too much, and lengthen it out a bit. Also the base of many stories is description, and that's what your's was lacking, okay I've been to New Mombasa before, but I want you to take me back there. If you don't know how to lengthen try describing every single part of the story, what about describing how smelly it was in the sewer? Smile

All in all: make it longer, more descriptive and less... jumpy.

Saying that it was a story that I'll read the sequel of, just to see how you get on, hope you do better next time! Wink

-HF06
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 05, 2007 8:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just something I noticed, you don't abbreviate words as the writer (and if you ever do for some uncanny reason, Sergeant is abbreviated to Sgt. not srg.). As the writer you are not in a rush, you are not the one in danger, you are safely sitting in front of your computer and have the liberty of flooding us with the excessive details we crave, that we need to want to continue reading the story.

Use indents to clean it up a bit more, I'll keep an eye on this one.
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