| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
hboff
Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
|
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
SYSTEM
The Hammer
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
|
 Posted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 2:58 pm Post subject: |
 |
|
Hey!
That's odd. Where's the story?
Perhaps you wrote it in invisible ink. Ah, well, I'll try again later.
- Dave. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
|
| Posted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 3:46 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I can see it.
Fix the punctuation with your dialogue. That didn't look as good as it could have.
Something wasn't quite right in there. It didn't flow as smoothly as I would have preferred. Just, work on mkaing sure that all of your details and grammar work with eachother.
Overall, this was a very decent story. Good amount of suspense, though it could have been improved. Just keep working on your writing; fixing all the small mistakes and you'll be golden.
_________________
-MCC |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
SYSTEM
The Hammer
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
|
| Posted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 3:48 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Okay, now I can see it. Odd.
- Dave. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
S7N
Member
Joined: 12 Sep 2004
Posts: 4
|
| Posted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 4:36 pm Post subject: |
|
|
what mistakes?
i proof read it three times and thought it was all good |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
fallschirmjager
Member
Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.
|
| Posted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 1:46 am Post subject: |
|
|
don't worry he is usualy like that but he is probably some uber pro english teacher type guy....
Anyway lol @ everyone else, i had this like a week ago HAHAHAHA...
Its pro btw...
_________________
We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.
Will you keep my secrets hope to die? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Helljumper
Member
Joined: 31 Jul 2004
Posts: 298
Location: Pittsburgh
|
| Posted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 6:35 pm Post subject: |
|
|
that is well written, details and describtions are beautiful. i got a feel for the characters and what they look like and some background. You made them real. Noobs need to read this.
ODST |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
SYSTEM
The Hammer
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
|
| Posted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 6:37 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Ahh, that's pretty good!
You've done really well this time, S7N.
- Dave. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
fallschirmjager
Member
Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.
|
| Posted: Tue Nov 23, 2004 11:16 am Post subject: |
|
|
You implying that it wasnt good last time duck.... 
_________________
We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.
Will you keep my secrets hope to die? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
FAQ
Search
Memberlist
Usergroups
Register
Profile
Log in to check your private messages
Log in
