HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Welcome To The Revolution: Chapter 1

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 2:57 pm    Post subject: Welcome To The Revolution: Chapter 1 Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Welcome To The Revolution: Chapter 1
Posted by S7N (n.j.r.jones@brighton.ac.uk)
15 November 2004, 12:27 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=s7n.1115040027501.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 2:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey!

That's odd. Where's the story?

Perhaps you wrote it in invisible ink. Ah, well, I'll try again later.

- Dave.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 3:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can see it.

Fix the punctuation with your dialogue. That didn't look as good as it could have.
Something wasn't quite right in there. It didn't flow as smoothly as I would have preferred. Just, work on mkaing sure that all of your details and grammar work with eachother.

Overall, this was a very decent story. Good amount of suspense, though it could have been improved. Just keep working on your writing; fixing all the small mistakes and you'll be golden.
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 3:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, now I can see it. Odd.

- Dave.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
S7N
Member


Joined: 12 Sep 2004
Posts: 4

PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 4:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

what mistakes?

i proof read it three times and thought it was all good
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
fallschirmjager
Member


Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.

PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 1:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

don't worry he is usualy like that but he is probably some uber pro english teacher type guy....

Anyway lol @ everyone else, i had this like a week ago HAHAHAHA...

Its pro btw...
_________________
We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

Will you keep my secrets hope to die?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Helljumper
Member


Joined: 31 Jul 2004
Posts: 298
Location: Pittsburgh

PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 6:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

that is well written, details and describtions are beautiful. i got a feel for the characters and what they look like and some background. You made them real. Noobs need to read this.

ODST
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address MSN Messenger
SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 6:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh, that's pretty good!

You've done really well this time, S7N.

- Dave.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
fallschirmjager
Member


Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.

PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2004 11:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You implying that it wasnt good last time duck.... Confused
_________________
We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

Will you keep my secrets hope to die?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group