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Tip of the Spear Part I

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 10:22 am    Post subject: Tip of the Spear Part I Reply with quote

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Tip of the Spear Part I
Posted by Wesmed91 (Wesmed91)
19 September 2007, 11:37 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=0919072337361.html
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Spartan006
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Joined: 17 Mar 2006
Posts: 366
Location: On the worst internet ever...for real.

PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 6:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, Wesmed, welcome to hboff. Your story was pretty good, but it was also pretty short. Try and lengthen it out next time. Another thing, instead of using parentheses use commas. Then there's the CODE which you can read about here. Read up on that and use it in your next story. You did good, keep it up. 7/10
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Lord Beleth
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Joined: 01 Oct 2007
Posts: 46
Location: USA

PostPosted: Tue Oct 02, 2007 9:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, its was somewhat near ok for your first fan fic. But I have to say, the numbers seemed kinda ridiculous to me and trying to give exact amounts of each species of Covenant wasn't too professional looking to me. If you want to give the reader an idea of how many troops they have deployed. Just say something like this, for example, quarter million plus Covenant troops deployed. And try to make it seem realistic next time.

The story itself lacks a lot of details. Remember to ALWAYS use lots of details about the characters, the environment, and what is going on around the characters physically and mentally. By the time the story started I was done reading it wondering what I just got done reading. There wasn't much to go on to really let you know what's going on in the story. I didn't learn much about the main character either, except that he is a sniper and a religious man. His other traits are unknown.

Just remembered to use more details next time. Get us more into the characters head and try a lot harder to make it more realistic.

Good luck.

Hails,
Lord Beleth
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"Individual science fiction stories may seem as trivial as ever to the blinder critics and philosophers of today - but the core of science fiction, its essence has become crucial to our salvation if we are to be saved at all." -Isaac Asimov
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