HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4352

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What If Tales: After The Sky Fell [Part Two]
Posted by Jin1 (jermevans1990@gmail.com)
17 August 2007, 3:05 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jin10817071505251.html

Matthiasthe14th · Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 7:46 pm Post subject:

Fascinating. I really like your "What If" series.

The only problem I had with this installment, besides a few grammatical and punctuational errors, was this:

Jin1 · Member Joined: 07 Oct 2004 Posts: 24 Location: Florida

Went by the Halo Wars Elites... They have three. And since I was watching the trailer same night I was writing, it stayed in my mind as I was writing.

And that's for the comment. Mr. Green

_________________
"Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."

-J. Robert Oppenheimer

Phædrus · Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 4:35 pm Post subject:

Not bad, but you have a lot of minor grammar mistakes. I don't see why, but you seem to have dropped a lot of "the"'s and "an"'s.

You could also do with a tad more description. Otherwise it's pretty good. Watch that grammar.