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What If Tales: After The Sky Fell [Part Two]

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 6:37 pm    Post subject: What If Tales: After The Sky Fell [Part Two] Reply with quote

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What If Tales: After The Sky Fell [Part Two]
Posted by Jin1 (jermevans1990@gmail.com)
17 August 2007, 3:05 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jin10817071505251.html
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Matthiasthe14th
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Joined: 25 Dec 2005
Posts: 126
Location: Je m'en fiche.

PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fascinating. I really like your "What If" series.

The only problem I had with this installment, besides a few grammatical and punctuational errors, was this:

Quote:
Chadwick looked at one of the hands that dangled off the edge of the table. "And only three fingers."


Elites have two fingers and two opposable thumbs, although this is sometimes hard to see in many screenshots. Nevertheless, the hand can be seen here.

Good job. Keep 'em coming. Laughing
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Jin1
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Joined: 07 Oct 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 7:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Went by the Halo Wars Elites... They have three. And since I was watching the trailer same night I was writing, it stayed in my mind as I was writing.

And that's for the comment. Mr. Green
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Phædrus
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Joined: 13 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 4:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad, but you have a lot of minor grammar mistakes. I don't see why, but you seem to have dropped a lot of "the"'s and "an"'s.

You could also do with a tad more description. Otherwise it's pretty good. Watch that grammar.
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