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Tempered Steel

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 6:37 pm    Post subject: Tempered Steel Reply with quote

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Tempered Steel
Posted by Marcus (Marcus)
11 August 2007, 9:25 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Marcus0811070925271.html
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Phædrus
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Joined: 13 Sep 2004
Posts: 957
Location: Southern California

PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 7:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Please, by all means jump on me for every inconsistancy you find and every idea that doesnt fit in with Halo canon that you find. This is my first piece, and unless i get some constructive criticism i cant fix what's wrong. Also, i want to hear about EVERY SINGLE INCORRECT SPELLING YOU FIND. I pride myself on my english skills and i dont want to get caught slacking. Hopefully ill not end up on the wrong side of the "n00b wars"....
-k0m8a7


If you say so... Razz

Inconsistancy is spelled with an e, not an a. Doesnt needs an apostrophe. You need to capitalize your i's. English needs to be capitalized. Dont needs an apostrophe. Ill needs an apostrophe.

Quote:
Hopelessly lost he followed his ears,


You need a comma after lost.

Quote:
Hopelessly lost he followed his ears, the rapid clatter of automatic weaponry to answer and silence the mangled tongue of the Covenant hordes igniting the spark of hope within him. Spent brass casings glisten like stars in the night sky among grotesque burned corpses of local UNSC


Woah, what? You just switched from past tense to present tense. Watch that.

Quote:
Without warning a high pitched hum


Comma after warning.

Quote:
a high pitched hum is heard, heralding a tremendous roar: the chin mounted chaingun of a UNSC Pelican dropship. Hot brass falls like rain in a downpour from ovehead, tracers and titanium jacketed rounds tearing through


Woah, yeah, you really need to stay consistent with your tenses. Also, you missed the r in "overhead".

Quote:
As far as he new anyway....


New should be knew. Comma after knew.

Quote:
Scanning the faces around for someone to talk to


Need a him in there.

Quote:
actually do that- and destroy part of his humanity in the process- disturbed him more than the savagery of the Covenant forces ever could.


Fix those dashes--they should be doubled, like this one, 'cause that's incorrect.

Quote:
"Get us back to the retreat point, there's nothing more we can do here...."


No such thing as a retreat point. I think you mean "rally point".

Quote:
The Covenant won, again.


Don't need the comma there.

Quote:
So he simply watched through the Pelicans canopy


Pelicans needs an apostrophe.

Quote:
stretching across solar systems.


Star systems would be more accurate. Solar system refers to our star system, referring to our sun, Sol.

Quote:
Enormous pearlescent purple capital ships


I wasn't sure about pearlescent, so I did a check on it. Dictionary says it isn't a word and recommends "opalescent", but I think you could get by with pearlescent anyways. You also need a comma after enormous.

Quote:
It was no longer a war...it was a long, cruel, undeserved execution of the human race.


The ellipse doesn't really fit there, and it needs a space after it anyways. I think a colon or semicolon would do better in that instance.



Now that I've pointed out every single GPS error like you asked us to, I'd like to comment on the story itself. I like your imagery, but I felt that the story itself was somewhat lacking. You didn't bother with a true plot, making this almost a kind of poem, something I like, but to make something like this work, you have to pack a lot of emotion into it. I can see that you tried to do that, but I don't think you fully accomplished it. Also, I didn't really connect to the character. Who is this guy? Why is he there? What memories does he have of that place? Has he just lost a loved one? Who is he?

Also, something this short needs to be directed. I found that this was somewhat rambling, perhaps covering too broad a subject for its short length. Pick just one aspect of the destruction of humanity and stick with it, don't try an cover the whole thing, or if you do, do it in a longer story.

Overall, though, this wasn't too bad. Better than most of the tripe we get nowadays. Good work. Smile
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
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Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 10:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Literalist. How much time have you just wasted? Very Happy

Actually, this was a decent read. And Phaedrus, it was a prologue, so that presumably explains its lack of a point.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 11:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, 'bout ten minutes. Razz
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k0m8a7
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Joined: 22 Aug 2007
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 10:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked *beats himself with a wet noodle* ouch!! Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout! Got caught slacking, but you all will keep me on my toes Very Happy
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 10:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Welcome to HBOFF, k0m8a7. Phædrus has already said everything that needs to be said. Anyways, good job on your first story, just be sure to lengthen the next one. 7/10
Quote:
Jackals...a preschool full of children...devouring their tiny forms.
hehe...the picture in my mind when I read that was funny.
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Phædrus
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Location: Southern California

PostPosted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 11:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, that reminds me: Wink

Quote:
As far as he new anyway....


The ellipses (the "..." things) should never be any more or less than three periods and have a space after the last one before the next word.

Sorry, you asked for it. Razz

Oh, and you also get +50 points for using the code on your first story. Way to go!
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k0m8a7
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Joined: 22 Aug 2007
Posts: 3

PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 2:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cool w00t!!! Lol so what does that bring my point total to? Neutral
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Phædrus
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Joined: 13 Sep 2004
Posts: 957
Location: Southern California

PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 3:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

112. Very Happy

This guy http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=white_boy_lo.1201040734521.html in contrast, gets a - 572. That guy is a serious dumbshit.
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Archangel_7
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Location: Trying to fight the Flood with a rubber band and some thumbtacks

PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 4:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Every time I see a link to that story it makes me want to cry Crying or Very sad
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Azathoth
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Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 12:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I need to post a picture of that movie "THE BOY WHO LOVED TROLLS". Back in a minute.

Edit: And...glorious win.
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k0m8a7
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Joined: 22 Aug 2007
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2007 2:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ha! I guess im not doin' too bad after all Cool

Phædrus wrote:
112. Very Happy

This guy http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=white_boy_lo.1201040734521.html in contrast, gets a - 572. That guy is a serious dumbshit.


Wow. Umm. Jeez. I couldnt finish reading that. Don't wanna sound full of myself or anything but my God that was horrible. I don't believe I've ever written, or even read, something that horrible.

Doublepost deleted by Dave.
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Lord Palarious
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Joined: 08 Aug 2007
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2007 10:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

enjoyed it, and other people have accomplished the grammatical stuff.
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