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Long Time Gone Part 24

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 9:24 pm    Post subject: Long Time Gone Part 24 Reply with quote

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Long Time Gone Part 24
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
13 November 2004, 8:06 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.11130408065224.html
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 9:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll be honest for you. It was a lot more interesting than I thought it would be. More so than your last few. But, you must have done something right, 'cause I remember that bout with the sniper.

Now, onto this story. Things didn't flow very well in some places. Lack of proper punctuation really took away from the story.
Some of that boy-to-girl stuff was a little odd, too. Like, if a guy kissed my girl on the hand, in a greeting sort of way, I'd take it as a compliment, not push him away; unless it was one sick looking bastard.
Also, watch your repedetiveness and details. Things started getting kinda dull and drawing as you started describing the new training.
Further, you just seem to make your main characters really awesome. Not necissarily a bad thing, but, it just seems as you want them to be the best, and will always be the best, and get all the best stuff and rewards and what not. I don't know, but, have something about them that we can get into as a reader; something that makes them sound more real.

Overall, it was pretty good. Watch your grammar and such, and keep practicing. Also, have a few friends proof read these before you post them, just to catch mistakes and get an alternate point of view.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2004 11:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with MC. It seemed like you misconcurded the characters, making them seem like "Master Chiefs on fire, firing death lasers at hot pancakes"...that's a basic overview. But, it was overall good. I enjoyed, you seemed to improve your writing skill since the last one you written. Oh, my first girlfriend did that to me MC, and I'm pretty good looking. Smile
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