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The Machine Inside (Rewrite)

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 5:53 pm    Post subject: The Machine Inside (Rewrite) Reply with quote

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The Machine Inside (Rewrite)
Posted by AI_Construct (awmurphy05@yahoo.com)
16 July 2007, 3:41 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=AI_Construct0716071541291.html
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Dr Sky Tower
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Joined: 10 Jun 2006
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Location: Auckland, New Zealand

PostPosted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 1:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad, this. I've read a similar story awhile ago where a Sentinel knocks out the marine and interfaces with him, thus putting him in the same state. Did you write that story?

Very intriguing, but I think you should put more detail into the story. Like why did the Sentinel knock him out? Why was it trying to interface with him? I was completely confused by this and had to read your story twice. Why did the marines attack the Sentinels? The Sentinels were just chillin by what you wrote, so there didn't seem to be a good reason to attack em.

Maybe you could add a bit more to this story and 'flesh it out' some, by writing another chapter to it Wink
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Archangel_7
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Joined: 29 Mar 2005
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Location: Trying to fight the Flood with a rubber band and some thumbtacks

PostPosted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 12:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad, like the first poster said you just need to flesh it out. I also was kind of confused with your perspective: At one time you would say "I," while a few sentences later you would say "them." It could also do without the height/weight numbers, which seem really out of place. Describe their general shape and body type instead.
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Halo3...Aleks
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Joined: 16 Apr 2007
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Location: At home...on my computer....where else would i be?

PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 5:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ya the only real problems were the continuous change in perspective from third person, to first person, and back again...and the random attack on the sentinels, if I remember right....the sentinels are our friends, they helped the chief get to the index, so, why would they just be hanging around and suddenly attack the marines? or did the marines attack first because they didnt know what they were? Too many holes...but otherwise fairly good....*laughs at your nicknames* Captain...and Grandma...oh god... Very Happy
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AI Construct
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Joined: 27 Aug 2005
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 12:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

To answer the first question, yes, I did write the other one. I looked back at it, and realized that in 2005, I was horrible at writing. Not that I'm good at it now, but I'm a helluva lot better than before.

And about the Sentinels, remember, this takes place during Halo 2 (the guy is from the IAC), and at this point the Sentinels are attacking all life.

And to answer the third, the reason the Sentinel tackled him is right here:

Quote:
Suddenly I found myself alone against two Sentinels. I ditched my sniper and picked up Captains Battle Rifle. As the Sentinels got closer, I took one out, and damaged the other one's beam weapon. Then the Sentinel did something I did not think of.


Basically, it was the Sentinel's last resort kind of thing.

And, for the final question, yes, the Sentinel tried to interface with the neural connector thing. I guess to learn information or some what not.

Thanks for the comments ladies and gents, I really appreciate them.

EDIT:

As well, I almost forgot. I only did the third person for the back story on the main character, and for the small back story on his friends, although I do see where I messed up in the last sentence of the third paragraph.

I hope that answers your questions to satisfaction.
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