HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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The Machine Inside (Rewrite)
Posted by AI_Construct (awmurphy05@yahoo.com)
16 July 2007, 3:41 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=AI_Construct0716071541291.html

Dr Sky Tower · Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 1:46 am Post subject:

Not bad, this. I've read a similar story awhile ago where a Sentinel knocks out the marine and interfaces with him, thus putting him in the same state. Did you write that story?

Very intriguing, but I think you should put more detail into the story. Like why did the Sentinel knock him out? Why was it trying to interface with him? I was completely confused by this and had to read your story twice. Why did the marines attack the Sentinels? The Sentinels were just chillin by what you wrote, so there didn't seem to be a good reason to attack em.

Maybe you could add a bit more to this story and 'flesh it out' some, by writing another chapter to it Wink

Archangel_7 · Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 12:53 am Post subject:

Not bad, like the first poster said you just need to flesh it out. I also was kind of confused with your perspective: At one time you would say "I," while a few sentences later you would say "them." It could also do without the height/weight numbers, which seem really out of place. Describe their general shape and body type instead.
_________________
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

--Hunter S. Thompson

Halo3...Aleks · Posted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 5:52 am Post subject:

Ya the only real problems were the continuous change in perspective from third person, to first person, and back again...and the random attack on the sentinels, if I remember right....the sentinels are our friends, they helped the chief get to the index, so, why would they just be hanging around and suddenly attack the marines? or did the marines attack first because they didnt know what they were? Too many holes...but otherwise fairly good....*laughs at your nicknames* Captain...and Grandma...oh god... Very Happy

AI Construct · Member Joined: 27 Aug 2005 Posts: 6 Location: Nevada

To answer the first question, yes, I did write the other one. I looked back at it, and realized that in 2005, I was horrible at writing. Not that I'm good at it now, but I'm a helluva lot better than before.

And about the Sentinels, remember, this takes place during Halo 2 (the guy is from the IAC), and at this point the Sentinels are attacking all life.

And to answer the third, the reason the Sentinel tackled him is right here: