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A New Covenant (Revised)

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 1:13 pm    Post subject: A New Covenant (Revised) Reply with quote

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A New Covenant (Revised)
Posted by The Arbiter (libbymesser@hotmail.com)
13 July 2007, 1:20 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=The_Arbiter0713070120181.html
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Phædrus
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Joined: 13 Sep 2004
Posts: 957
Location: Southern California

PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 2:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from Halo they are Microsoft and Bungie's. The only thing I own is what I add to the Halo Universe and the characters I add.
The rating for this story is PG got violence and language.


WE KNOW!!! YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL US YOU DON'T OWN HALO!! Tanjit, why do you people have to feel the need to make your story more "legit" by putting tripe like that in there? It doesn't mean anything, and in most cases makes it seem less professional and more juvenile.
[/rant]

Next, retelling cinematics is boring and is guaranteed to lose your audience. We've played the game. We know how the cinematics go. Retelling them is boring, pointless, and also generally poorly done.

Lots of grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors. If you have trouble with that sort of thing, run it through a spell checker a few times.

Lack of detail. Detail is one of the things that make stories interesting to read. This didn't have any that I could see. Also, why are you using present tense? Present tense is very, very bad to people who don't know how to use it.

Overall, you wrote this like it was the script to a movie (and it was, in a sense). BORING. BANAL.

From the instant you went from retelling to something original, it got worse.

Quote:
The Arbiter, with a voice that is both calm and quiet asks, "And, where, Oracle is that?"

"Scanning," the Monitor intoned as it turned back to the console. The hologram changed to show a familiar galaxy. "Ark found," answers 343 Guilty Spark. "On the third planet in the Sol System."

"Oh hell," exclaimed Sergeant Johnson, "That's Earth!"


Ugh. You can do better than that.


I'm through. I quit.
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Amaranthine
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 55

PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 9:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's a good place to start.
By re-writing cutscenes, you can figure out how to write details into your own story. However, once you figure out how to write details you should start making up your own scenes.

Another thing that irked me was the use of present tense. Maybe too many years of conditioning have led me to associate present tense with screen-plays. I took a science-fiction class in high school which taught me that the vast majority of science fiction writers write in past tense.

Also, you made it seem too sentimental. Feelings were being hurt.
You made it seems like there hadn't just been a fifty year war between the two races. If someone who just finished killing billions of your species insults you, you wouldn't be offended. You'd be pretty f'n pissed off.

Other than that, it was alright. There have been worse pieces I've read... but there have been a lot better ones too.
Keep writing, experiment a little, start working on your own stories.
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Synyster
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Joined: 03 Jul 2007
Posts: 8

PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2007 1:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It seems more like an oddly written stage directions for a screenplay than a story
I think you would have pulled it off if you had added a lot more details though
Also I noticed some rather large errors
Quote:
One of Humans, Sangheili, Grunts, and Hunters."

Since that was an Elite talking it wouldn't only refer to it's own race by their name, it wouldn't say Grunts and Hunters. Small details like that made this story seem to unbelieveable for me
You had some great ideas though, just listen to people's advice and keep practicing
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Dr Sky Tower
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Joined: 10 Jun 2006
Posts: 120
Location: Auckland, New Zealand

PostPosted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 1:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I tend to avoid writing about cutscenes in the games, because everyone already knows what's going on. So if you use them as a prologue to help explain the beginning of the story, I wouldn't spend so much time with it, perhaps a paragraph or two, and get on with *your* part of the story.

Plus, there's hundreds of these types of stories already Smile
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