HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

This topic is for posting comments to:

Halo 2-=--=-=-=-=-=--=-=Chapter 1 Work pt1
Posted by Mark Lieberg (malieberg@msn.com)
11 November 2004, 4:36 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mark_lieberg.1111040436144.html

russ687 · Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 6:25 pm Post subject:

Well, it wasn't all that bad...but it wasn't all that hot either.

I will give you some credit for trying to format the story; but then again, I will take away that credit with the fact that you "missed" the guidelines and never learned the Code. So we're back to sqaure one.

The storyline was pretty descent...it kept me reading. Now what is pretty common around fanfic of HBO: you had minor mistakes throughout.

Proof-read to catch those.

-Russ

SYSTEM · Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 11:02 pm Post subject:

You've got an interesting plot, there, Mr. Lieberg.

My hat is off to you for your new method of formatting, but coding would be more efficient and easier to read.

There are errors, and some rough spots, but overall, decent. You have to watch some words, remember, it's "Through," not "Threw"

Your details are good, but there's enough room to put more detail in - and that could make your story go Three-Dimensional.

Good Luck

- Dave.

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2004 12:49 am Post subject:

Very good formatting. Other than that, it was good
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Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Yeah, you need to use the Code. I really like your effort of indenting though. But guess what? You can do that invisibly with coding.

I would suggest spelling out numbers. It helps make the story flow better.
Also, add more details. Things went by really fast in there. Slow it down; describe and explain more to give us a better idea of what is going on, has happened, and is going to happen.
Doctor Halsey didn't have Cortana with her. Doctor Halsey took Kelly. Thus, none of that really made sense to me.
About your "Spartan-IIIs". I just don't really think that they would revert back to grown people for the next project. The first group of Spartans had a civilian life before augmentation, and the next group didn't, so would you not assume that things would progress as they already had?

Sergeant Johnson is a Sergeant Major. He listens to "Metal" (ie- heavy metal) not simply "Rock and Roll."

Watch that repedetiveness, too.

Overall, well, you have some work to do. Smooth stuff out and get your facts straight. Proofread as well.
_________________
-MCC

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Fri Nov 19, 2004 9:06 am Post subject: This is Sergeant MAL

OK well thx...I am posting my next story on Saturday....HOpe you like it...and i think i found out to how to indent the paragraphs i am not sure if i did it right but i tried...if i did it wrong can you tell me how?
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

SYSTEM · Posted: Fri Nov 19, 2004 3:53 pm Post subject:

You can easily find out yourself, Mark.

It's simple, and easy! All you need to do is click on the "Preview Submission" button at the bottom of the Fan Fiction Submission Form. It's as easy as that.

I'm surprised you didn't notice it earlier. Just scroll down, way down, and you'll see it - it's there.

- Dave.