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Phone

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 12:13 pm    Post subject: Phone Reply with quote

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Phone
Posted by Dagorath (hoyinshan@gmail.com)
6 July 2007, 12:02 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Dagorath0706070002171.html
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Mark25
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Joined: 12 Jul 2005
Posts: 192
Location: Single and seriously pissed

PostPosted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 4:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You chose some awkward similes, it didn't flow very well and lacked detail where detail was needed. And yet, the story was there. Could have been great but on the whole: good job.

Quote:
The ubiquitous desert dust swirled through the air, floating along streets, winding through doors, creeping down passages, falling lightly on the shoulders and hair of the inhabitants, turning them as dull and dispirited as the skyscrapers that slouched above and stretched outwards in every direction.


Had I your talent to play with:

Quote:
The desert dust swirled ubiquitous in the air, floating down streets, winding through doors and creeping along passageways. Its lazy and profound touch infecting many of the city's inhabitants; a community fettered by the dust's unbreakable bonds. Visible sighs and dispirited woes burned upon browbeaten faces.


You went with 'through' twice whereas you could have changed it without losing the sentence. No slouching skyscrapers, c'mon Dag, you haven't been out the game that long.

For me it was your story, not the way you told it that had me seriously impressed. Keep it up mate.
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
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Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, I didn't notice this at first. Very nice. That rich bastard. Razz

I found it a little hard to believe that a guy can just walk into a phonebooth and call his mother in a Covenant post-warzone, but the story was good enought hat I won't complain about it. At least, not at length.
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Dagorath
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Joined: 03 Apr 2005
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 12:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey guys, hope you're doing well Smile

Hello Mark, thanks for the suggestions; I had a lot of trouble with "through" in the opening paragraph (I originally started with "floating through streets, winding through doors, creeping through passages", so you have nothing to complain about Very Happy), so thanks for the advice. My style is more no-frills than yours, so I take issue with some of the "fettered by the dust's unbreakable bonds" sort of metaphors, but I'll be sure to keep your words in mind. I couldn't think of any way to describe the skyscrapers properly - at any rate, I couldn't liken them to "jagged teeth" Smile

Azathoth: I'm surprised at your take at the story - he didn't call his mother. The phone was bust. He was pretending. That's what (I hope) makes the story so poignant. (In case you're interested, he's the kid whose mother got run over by a Ghost in the latest chapter of Education.)
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Mark25
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 12:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You couldn't think of a good way to describe a skyscraper? You got them out your door, haven't you? it's a real and tangible object that you can 'grapple' with, mate; just throw something out there. I don't think I've ever likened them to jagged teeth. Obviously that's a stylisation you don't appreciate but look at it from another perspective: was slouched any better? Are you worried about venturing into other people's territory? Because I have to say, no-one has a monopoly on a style, and only idiots would dare accuse you of plagiarising one. Fcuk those people: your fiction: you ply the brush how you want to.

Nothing wrong with the teeth but there are always options, it's up to you to leave us with an indelible impression, one that repeatedly slaps us with a wet kipper everytime we think about it. Slouching skyscrapers leaves an impression but it's not a good one, there are all sorts of negative means to describe them.

Are they human remnants or new wave Covenant, do they loom upon the misty skyline, standing on end like the hairs on the back of a Covenant (capitalist?) beast or maybe the remaining sporadic teeth in the skull of a human settlement? C'mon man, give us some imagery, throw us to the mental lions.

The phone being broke was what made the piece, though you could have expounded upon his loneliness and just out and out need to speak to someone other than the plague of inner demons. Made it somewhat cathartic, maybe asked if other dead family members were there, maybe 'dad,' but he didn't want to speak to him out of resentment or something. I think you could have expanded the scenario a touch, had you wanted.

Style, schmyle, a good story can lack it or be smothered in it. I can dash metaphors at every scene, I can craft a sentence so ornate, halfway through you'll wonder what the original meaning was. Won't keep people's interest if there is no substance beneath the bullshit. You dare say I'm good at the bullshit. Razz

Az, I don't think a post-war scenario involving humans as slaves on their own planet sounds too far fetched (hey, I got to defend my own current universe take).

...and who you calling frilly?!!! Wink
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
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Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 2:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, yeah, but my point remains the same, I guess...the Covenant just don't seem like the slaving type. I don't know, maybe it's more difference of opinion than anything else.
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Helljumper
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Joined: 31 Jul 2004
Posts: 298
Location: Pittsburgh

PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 9:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was creative I enjoyed reading it
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