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Your Friendly Neighborhood Master Chief, part I

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 12:08 pm    Post subject: Your Friendly Neighborhood Master Chief, part I Reply with quote

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Your Friendly Neighborhood Master Chief, part I
Posted by Halo Freak (card_master1976@yahoo.com)
21 June 2007, 8:58 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Halo_Freak0621072058441.html
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Halo Freak
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Joined: 27 Jun 2007
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Location: Delta Halo

PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 12:20 am    Post subject: First story Reply with quote

Hey everyone, tell me what you think of me story. It's me first one, so tell all your critic mates to come criticize me piece. Need all the help I can get :wink: . Thanks, and enjoy me story!
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Are you Irish or Scottish? The me's are blowing my mind.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 3:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bah, he's nae Scottish, in mah ahpin'on. 'e's nae got the true brogue. Me'tinks 'e's jus' watched Braveheart a wee te' much is all. Wink

Nah, ah'm part Irish, an' ah can spake a fair bit o' th' brogue if'n ah do say so meself, but if ah was Scottish you'd nae be able te' un'nerstand me t'all! Razz

Nah, as for ye' story...[/brogue]


It wasn't terrible, pretty good for a newcomer, in fact. However, you had a large number of GPS (grammar, punctuation, and spelling) errors, something you need to look out for. Also, you need to use the code, which allows things such as itallics, bolding, underlining, indenting, and horizontal lines.

You also had a bit of trouble with detail. It was there, which is more than you can say for most beginning authors here, but you were "telling" us what was happening, as opposed to "showing" us. I'll leave it to the others to explain that in greater detail.

Overall, not too bad, but you could use some work, polish your technique and form, stuff like that. Plus work on GPS.
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Halo Freak
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Joined: 27 Jun 2007
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 10:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i am irish. thank you A Halo Fan...atic for criticizing me story. and, i;ve never seen braveheart, for your information. i think mel gibson is a wee bit off his rocker, if that how you say it in america. i've never been there. and, the comments are for criticizin only, no asking about nationality. either say something good, bad, or neutral about me story, and get out

and, i just proofread the piece, and there are nowhere near as many errors as you say. i found only one, where it says rached instead of reached, but the was it. maybe you should take a spelling test. and, your version of scottish/irish-speak was insulting. it was the most cliched and stereo typed verison i have ever seen. you should be ashamed of yourself

MERGED BY DAVE: Keep your posts in one piece. You get off easy this time - next time I will simply nuke the other posts.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 11:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, no offense man, I was just kidding around. I'm part Irish myself. I know it's stereotypical, but I have met one or two people with accents almost that bad. I didn't mean any offense.


I agree, you didn't have a huge number of spelling errors, but there were other things, such as "it's" instead of "its" and vice-versa, and "there" instead of "their". "To" instead of "too". Things like that. Also a few places where you messed up with commas or quotation marks. I think I also overstated your number of GPS errors because of the choppiness of your dialog. If you look around, you'll see that this is actually much better than some of the other stuff we get.
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Halo Freak
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 2:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

allright, no problem. i just get tired of people of making fun of the irish because we sound funny to you. thanks for the comment too. at least they're minute things. i wasnt tryin to make me piece a masterpiece, just somethin fun i thought i'd do.
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 5:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Welcome to the site, Mr. Freak. I'm pleased to see that you have a level head on your shoulders when it comes to taking criticism. Believe me, you're a breath of fresh air compared to what we normally get around here. Smile

All in all, not bad, especially for a first piece. For instance, you managed to avoid the dreaded "Text Wall of Doom" by breaking up your stories into paragraphs. You'd be amazed at how many people fail to do this. Props, sir.

As for the story itself...not too shabby. You do have an interesting concept here, and your writing seems technically competent, but you're telling us what's happening rather than showing us what's happening. I'm not too good at explaining this concept, so I'll let others handle it. But, rest assured, you are head and shoulders above the vast majority of first fics that we get around here. Congratulations.

P.S., I'm off partial Irish descent as well. I'm the only guy I know with the middle name of "Creighton".
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Halo Freak
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 2:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you for the comments, i always enjoy good things directed at me piece. i've heard that im telling more than showing, but i guess its just how i right. never been good at showing. unless, of course, its showing th noobs on halo what it takes to earn the title Halo Freak. again, thanks for commenting me piece, and i will work on showing more and telling less

by the way, whats your last name? i've heard the middle name creighton before. mine is Delaney.

my last name is, anyway. gotta keep these things in one post from now on


MERGED BY DAVE: Keep your posts in one piece. You get off easy this time - next time I will simply nuke the other posts.
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 6:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm afraid that I don't give out my last name on the internet for privacy reasons (though if I'm not mistaken, it's English in origin). And as far as keeping it all in one post, that's why we have an "edit" button in the upper-right hand corner of each post. You can copy your last two and paste the text back into the first one there. Razz
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bowog the grunt
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 03, 2007 7:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it, I'm not one to notice mistakes like 'their' instead of 'there' so I was a bit suprized about fan...atics comment. so yah. I like it.


p.s. I'm part German, no Irish at all. (heehee)
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Guardian
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2007 5:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dave Luck wrote:
Halo Freak - keep your posts in one piece. You get off easy this time in this thread. Next time if your posts are doubles without reason (a valid reason being hitting the posting limit) I'll simply leave the first post and nuke the subsequent ones.

- Dave.


This story has some potential, but it's a bit too linear and logical. There's no expansive description, no epic feeling.

The only place where you can double post. Triple Post or Quadruple Post is the OT thread, and only because I have complete authority over that domain. Mods, nyiah nyiah. So take all your posting capability there.
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