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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 12:08 pm    Post subject: Spotter Reply with quote

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Spotter
Posted by kr142616 (kr142616@aim.com)
21 June 2007, 7:29 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kr1426160621071929171.html
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kr1
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 6:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey everyone, this is just another quick story I wrote a while ago. It's doesn't really have much action, and the whole idea stemmed from an idea for an antitank rifle. I thought it was okay, and I'd appreciate any comments and criticism.
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DbC7
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Joined: 03 May 2005
Posts: 8

PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 6:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great story man, really great. I loved all of it. And I read Brother as well. Keep writing, your very good.
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Azrael
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 504
Location: Boston

PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 9:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a single story, right? It's pretty good, you know what you're doing. The dialouge is fine, you give it the tone of two guys who are working together but don't know each other extremely well yet. That came through.

You mashed together field dotted into "fielddotted," but that was the only glaring error I saw.

Your characterization was good. Malcolm is definitely the more mature of the pair, and you did that well in the bits where O'Hare didn't know how to respond to Malcolm's comment about O'Hare's rifle, as well as their reactions to the Longsword run. It was good. The picture-taking was nice, too. Humanizes the the characters, which I think is critical in any story.

Solid work, though I do think you could have expanded on the scene. You did a nice job of showing us the field, but I would have liked to have gone inside the characters just a BIT more. But if that's all I have to complain about, you did a fine job.

Keep writing and posting. I liked this.
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