HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Posted by kr142616 (kr142616@aim.com)
21 June 2007, 7:29 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kr1426160621071929171.html

kr1 · Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 6:00 pm Post subject:

Hey everyone, this is just another quick story I wrote a while ago. It's doesn't really have much action, and the whole idea stemmed from an idea for an antitank rifle. I thought it was okay, and I'd appreciate any comments and criticism.

DbC7 · Member Joined: 03 May 2005 Posts: 8

Great story man, really great. I loved all of it. And I read Brother as well. Keep writing, your very good.

Azrael · Member Joined: 10 Aug 2004 Posts: 504 Location: Boston

This is a single story, right? It's pretty good, you know what you're doing. The dialouge is fine, you give it the tone of two guys who are working together but don't know each other extremely well yet. That came through.

You mashed together field dotted into "fielddotted," but that was the only glaring error I saw.

Your characterization was good. Malcolm is definitely the more mature of the pair, and you did that well in the bits where O'Hare didn't know how to respond to Malcolm's comment about O'Hare's rifle, as well as their reactions to the Longsword run. It was good. The picture-taking was nice, too. Humanizes the the characters, which I think is critical in any story.

Solid work, though I do think you could have expanded on the scene. You did a nice job of showing us the field, but I would have liked to have gone inside the characters just a BIT more. But if that's all I have to complain about, you did a fine job.

Keep writing and posting. I liked this.
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