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Yabbagooch :the arrival

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 9:23 pm    Post subject: Yabbagooch :the arrival Reply with quote

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Yabbagooch :the arrival
Posted by Dr Nlok
10 November 2004, 7:38 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=dr_nlok.1110040738421.html
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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Joined: 19 Oct 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2004 1:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright....that was....interesting...
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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Joined: 19 Oct 2004
Posts: 1218
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2004 1:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can see why my collenges on HBO haven't even posted a comment. Better title. Wtf is the Yabbagouch? A flying piece of brown shit? Seriously, it needed the code. I didn't finished it because it didn't use Code.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2004 1:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You need the Code.
Use a lot more detail.
Better your alien personalities.
Learn to write.
Improve your paragraphing skills.
Make youre grammar shine.

Overall, you have a lot of work to do, so get to it.
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 10:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good imagination--bad writing. One of your most glaring problems is how you do (or in this instance, don't do) action. You write action as if you are reporting it in a history book. You need to learn what writers call "Show, don't tell". For example, you wrote:

Quote:
A spartan soldier came out of one of the ships and killed six more grunts under seven seconds.


Look at how much better this is when you show the action:

Quote:
A small crowd of Grunts shrieked in horror as a Spartan emerged from the dropship--but they didn't shriek long. Armed with only a pistol and combat-knife the Spartan waded into the frightened aliens with blurring speed; spinning, shooting and slicing. Within seconds the Grunts were slaughtered, and bluish methane hung in the air like a pallor of death.


See what I mean? If you do that AND follow MCC's advice, you will do much, much better.

C.T. Clown
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 2:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Chuck. First-time authors often summarize their action, rather than write it.

You've got to slow down. Remember, this isn't a movie - we can't see what you see.

You've got to paint a picture in our heads.

- Dave.
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