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Black Operations: Special Delivery (Part One)

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 12:53 pm    Post subject: Black Operations: Special Delivery (Part One) Reply with quote

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Black Operations: Special Delivery (Part One)
Posted by Jin1 (jermevans1990@gmail.com)
13 June 2007, 3:48 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jin10613070348091.html
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Johny117
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Joined: 22 Feb 2006
Posts: 118

PostPosted: Tue Jul 03, 2007 8:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No comments here yet? Hm.

Wow, that was superb; very good indeed. Lots of description, interesting storyline, and even indented easy-to-read paragraphs. If I were to show an example of the perfect short story Fic using Code, I'd use yours.

I noticed the names of some of the charaters were related to authors (Micheal Crichton; Eric Nylund).
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Col. Knadan
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Joined: 08 Aug 2008
Posts: 68
Location: UNSC In Amber Clad II Class Cruiser

PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 11:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Over all I found this story to be quite good but there were some mess ups. The first thing is this, I'm pretty sure the MA5B dosen't have a type of extended clip, Second, make up your mind about the type of Nukes those puppies are! In part one you said they were HAVOKs, in parts two and three you said they were FENRIS nukes, lastly, silencers not only muffle sound but the weapon with one on, it will have no muzzle flash, that is it.
I am not flaming your story, just explaining things to be fixed in future.

-Col. Knadan


Last edited by Col. Knadan on Mon Sep 22, 2008 5:16 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 11:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wait, is it "Bump Two-Month-Old Thread Day?" Yippee! I wish I could sage.

Some stuff I noticed, right off the top of my head:

Quote:
No, they utilized stealth to the best of its capabilities, using active camouflage (AC), while providing the maximum protection.


Nah. Don't ever explain an abbreviation, it just looks clumsy and out-of-place. Staten has this problem all through Contact Harvest, and it's massively detrimental to the flow of the story.

Someone's probably already mentioned this, but I kind of lol'd at the author names being applied to badass marines. If you've ever seen a picture of Michael Crichton, I think you'll understand.

There's actually quite a few problems with GPS in here, seems like this could have used a bit more proofreading.

I have no idea why I'm even reviewing this, but everything makes sense at 7:30 AM.
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