HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Chapter 1: Battle Plans

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 1:31 pm    Post subject: Chapter 1: Battle Plans Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Chapter 1: Battle Plans
Posted by Mizbehavin (mizbehavincy@gmail.com)
20 April 2007, 6:13 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Mizbehavin0420070613221.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Zephyr
Member


Joined: 25 May 2005
Posts: 275
Location: im at ur moms house lol

PostPosted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 7:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You got to use code, man. "[Indent]" right before a line will make that line indented.

Bold, italics, and underlined can all be done like this:

Code:

[b]bold text[/b]
[i]italicized text[/i]
[u]underlined text[/u]


That, typed, becomes:

bold text
italicized text
underlined text

In addition, you want to watch your quotes.


Quote:
"For a world that spawned the Devil's legion it can be beautiful." thought Sgt. Johnson as he looked out upon the world from his perch outside the control room. "Late, again" said Johnson while he scanned the horizon for the Phantom that was supposed to come and pick him up for his meeting with Commander Keyes.


Instead, that should be:
Quote:

"For a world that spawned the Devil's legion, it can be beautiful," thought Sgt. Johnson as he looked out upon the world from his perch outside the control room. "Late, again," said Johnson while he scanned the horizon for the Phantom that was supposed to come pick him up for his meeting with Commander Keyes.


Now, aside from the slight problems with quotations, you want to watch your sentences. That second one in particular is too long, you might want to throw in commas, semicolons, or even a period and capitalization to make it less awkward.

Quote:
He still didn't know what the Commander wanted to meet about since they just meet two days ago for a meeting about boarding the Covenant Ship hovering over the ocean by the control room. "At last." He said as he saw the Phantom round the corner of the canyon in the distance. In a few seconds the Phantom was activating its gravity lift so Sarge could board it and so passengers could exit.


Again, the first sentence is a little long. Cut it up with commas or something.

This time, your quotes are fine. But...'At last?' That doesn't sound to me like something Johnson would really say. You gotta keep your characters... in character. For example, the Master Chief wouldn't joke or sing a song, (unless it's that darn six-tone tune mentioned in every book.)

In the last few sentences, you'll want to use commas or cut them up, because they are a bit too long.



Quote:
The ship's passengers ranged from Marines to Hunters, Johnson could tell by the expressions of relief on the marines faces that they still hadn't gotten used to traveling with their former enemies. "They better get used to it if they want to get off this ring alive." Sarge thought to himself. After everyone had disembarked the ship Johnson boarded following Keyes instructions to the letter, he was not to sit in the cockpit but near the grav lift in case there was some emergency. He looked towards the cockpit and saw that there was an elite and a marine in it instead of two elites. "Looks like the Commander is getting the elites to teach us how to fly these hunks of metal. Lucky them." he commented under his breath.


The first sentence is what's called a comma splice. You need a word like 'and' there, not just a comma. Or you could divide it into two sentences.

The same problem persists with the quotation. You don't want a period there, you want a comma. In the next sentence, you need a comma after 'boarded,' and you need to put a colon or split the second half of it into a different sentence, because it's a run-on. (The run-on part starts after your comma.)

As for the last, it's better, but you'll again need a comma instead of a period at the end of the sentence.

I've done the first paragraph, and I hope this helps...
_________________
For what is a man profited, if he should gain the whole world, but lose his soul?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group