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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.
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 Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2007 12:42 am Post subject: |
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| Hmm. I'm not really sure if I like how this turned out, especially the ending. Criticism would be much appreciated...the little dialogue between Jason and Zara at the end seems a little forced now that I reread it. |
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Disposablehero171
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Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 23
Location: orlando fl
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| Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2007 4:47 am Post subject: |
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AMAZING STORY! AMAZING! Some points I need to make, I am in no where near a position to correct your work but there where some things I could tell were wrong.
You said
| Quote: | | She would have given anything to have their energy shields. The Demons could survive two grenades in the chest, although the second would give them a lot of residual impact. |
Hmm, I’m not so sure Mijolnir (or however the duce you spell it) its more powerful than elite energy shields, we have no proof of that, and another, in the game you can barley survive one plasma grenade to the chest let alone two, and as I believe you or MCC once told me, “Write your stories as if it were on legendary difficulty, a regular marine could rarely survive one plasma hit to the chest, its more realistic” If we are by chance going by legendary, you CERTANLY couldn’t survive a grenade to the chest.
Anyways I’m probably wrong, just a point I wanted to make.
You said
| Quote: | | The leader, the one called "Jay-zonn", was disturbingly good with an energy sword. |
Hahaha! I love it! “Jay-zonn” that is creative, props man, props.
You said
| Quote: | "We moved past this kind of technology millennia ago."
"That'll set you back a few millennia if you keep fiddling with it," |
Oh man, another great one liner, dude you are one hell of a writer.
Amazing story, it was great, get the last one out! ASAP!! |
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.
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| Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2007 2:52 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | Hmm, I’m not so sure Mijolnir (or however the duce you spell it) its more powerful than elite energy shields, we have no proof of that, and another, in the game you can barley survive one plasma grenade to the chest let alone two, and as I believe you or MCC once told me, “Write your stories as if it were on legendary difficulty, a regular marine could rarely survive one plasma hit to the chest, its more realistic” If we are by chance going by legendary, you CERTANLY couldn’t survive a grenade to the chest.
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Oops. Should have been more clear here, I meant Brute shot grenades. You can survive two to the chest on Normal where it'll take down your shields, and Heroic, where it'll almost kill you. I generally plot my stories as somewhere between Normal and Heroic. As to how powerful Mjolnir shields are, it's confirmed that they are marginally more powerful than that of a Major/SpecOps Elite. (Major/SpecOps actually have the same amount of shields on everything but Legendary, but SpecOps have more health.) Thanks for pointing this out. |
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 12:56 am Post subject: |
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Another nice read, Azathoth. I'd say it was pretty solid all around. The tension of walking through a battle zone and the confused haze that accompanied her hit were well done. The grudging admiration Zara held for the "Demons" was made expressly clear without overdoing it. Jason's severe, caustic personality was likewise well portrayed and set up a character that was something more than a faceless supersoldier.
I quite liked this bit:
| Quote: | Zara coughed for several seconds before she was able to talk. When she did, she spoke in human, hoping the Demons could hear. "Yes. I mean, no. I am not injured as badly as I..." she coughed for a few seconds. "I think my lung was...punctured. I can fight, nonetheless."
The Demons shifted from foot to foot. |
Although it was a fairly small thing, that ending sentence before the cut was a nice little literary signature, if you will, something to grab our attention and end the segment on a distinctive point. It reminded me somewhat of Hemingway's style, which I love.
A few small points of complaint, however:
| Quote: | | "We become immortal, excellency, because we are not foolish. We do not walk neatly through the middle of unsecured, sniper-infested areas so as to attract fire. Unfortunately, you fall somewhere," he searched for the words, "outside this criterion, so if you'll excuse me, we'll continue." |
While I think your latterly self-criticism of the dialogue towards the end was a tad harsh, this I wasn't too fond of. It would have been more in keeping with Jason's character to end the conversation at "Outside this criterion." The parting shot came across as somewhat childish.
Also, I think this piece would have benefited from a greater sense of space and time. While the stamp at the beginning helped, the setting and atmosphere could have been better described to help immerse us in this world. As it was, the characters interacting mostly without context.
Overall, a very enjoyable read. Great stuff, man.
- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.
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| Posted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 7:18 pm Post subject: |
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Ah! Context! I knew something was a little lacking there...grr.
Thanks for praise/criticism...never been compared to Hemingway before. |
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