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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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me
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Joined: 17 Feb 2005
Posts: 155
Location: you dont really want to know
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 Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 6:03 pm Post subject: |
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Nice...Can I realy say anything else?
I liked that line at the end... Just seems...eh natural I guess.. |
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Sterfrye36
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 419
Location: The Good Old US of A!
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| Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 12:04 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Jesus would have been furious. |
Man, I had a flashback to when I was writing LR: Requiem when I read that line. Nice, and I agree full-heartedly, Chuck.
| Quote: | The pain button squeaked like a dog's chew toy.
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And that is quite possibly one of the reasons that you're my favorite author on here, man. You have this innate talent for writing lines like that that are so vivid they stick in my memory even after I finish reading. I love that.
| Quote: | "I am unmarried. Is that close enough?"
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Nice Church humor. 
I really liked the scene between Brian and Sean. For me, it just seemed to work, and I'm not really sure why. But that scene alone, Chuck, was probably better than LR: Requiem in its entirety.
Looking forward to the next one, man. Oh, and check the OBN. 
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FFPotW Winner Total: 2 (Longsword R: Midway 8/8/08 ) (The Letter 11/14/08 )
"I...have...power issues." -Phae |
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 4:52 pm Post subject: |
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Very nice, as expected. A great introduction that continues to present the story in a uniquely creepy way and slowly and tantalizingly reveal the plot, like so many jigsaw pieces coming together. The two characters, briefly introduced, were made immediately sympathetic and worked well to underscore the horror of what ONI would later do.
This chapter, like all others, combined excellent character development with great dialogue, which in my opinion is a killer combination. I especially emjoyed the interaction between Sean and the priest (excuse me, minister ) as an effective means of illuminating both characters' personalities. Lexicus and Wiley also had some good moments, and actually presented some moments where you can't help but root for the monstrous assassin.
I have only one complaint. Perhaps it's quibbling, but none the less:
| Quote: | | It stipulated that human lives could be sacrificed on a large or small scale if the outcome was beneficial to the preservation of our existence. |
I thought the "our existence" was not in keeping with the third person narration style. "Preservation of humanity" would have been better.
Altogether, a great piece of fiction. Consistently great stuff, man. The community is lucky to have you.
- Arthur
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Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2007 6:29 pm Post subject: |
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I'm sorry this update took so long. I know that I don't need to give an explanation, but I don't mind, so here it is. I have a sleep disorder, and if I am not on medication I can fall asleep suddenly without warning. Heck, before I was diagnosed and treated, I fell asleep in the middle of a left-hand turn. Anyway, I changed medication after completing chapter six, and even though the stuff works better, for some reason I could not write while using it. Finally, after more than a month, I got used to it and was able to get back to this series. I absolutely love writing, and not being able to was weird and more than a bit depressing. It feels good to be back.
I want to give huge thanks to my friend (and favorite fanfic author) Radont for proofreading this story at every stage. The fact that I could find only a single error in this after it was posted (the mistaken capitalization of the word fifteen even though it was the second word in the sentence) is a tribute to his proofreading eye. There may be more mistakes, but that's all I saw.
I'll get to the comments after a few more are posted (if there are any after a two month hiatus ). Thanks to everyone for your patience.
C.T. Clown |
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories
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| Posted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 11:31 pm Post subject: |
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I still can't figure out if the greatness of your stories stem from your brilliance, or your brilliance is merely an side effect of the greatness of your stories. Do you at times simply watch the words flow on screen, or do your eyes strain at the screen straining through every passing word? Gah, doesn't matter one bit--I can't help but read and laugh and cry and read some more.
It feels good for you to be back, and you being back makes me feel good.  |
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Zephyr
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Joined: 25 May 2005
Posts: 275
Location: im at ur moms house lol
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| Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 3:05 am Post subject: |
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Wow, man...I asked MC's Cousin if there were any good stories, and he said your name. I looked up the series, read from chapter one...
Awesome. Keep up the good work.
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For what is a man profited, if he should gain the whole world, but lose his soul? |
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
Posts: 369
Location: Are you crazy!?
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| Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 2:58 am Post subject: |
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| Beautiful as usual. I hate to post a useless comment but what can i say? |
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Turpertrator
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Joined: 15 Jan 2005
Posts: 38
Location: in a Battlefield2 server near you
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2007 8:40 pm Post subject: breakin' stuff to look tough |
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Nice job, Chuckles.
I loved the scene with Black and Sisson. Oh, the memories ... the fantasies. I can't picture Steve without an arm, but can I ever imagine somebody wanting to whup on Sisson. Even after all these long years, it is hard to imagine how good that might feel. Ahhh....
I may be the only guy on HBO that knows O'Carol and Sisson and Purves and Black and Sagus and Lexicus and Simjanes and Brian ... but I find these shared connections to this story very satisfying.
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Turpertrator
Read Turper's stories here: http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?author=Turpertrator |
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Chuckles
Member
Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 2:22 am Post subject: |
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me wrote:
| Quote: | Nice...Can I realy say anything else?
I liked that line at the end... Just seems...eh natural I guess.. |
Thanks. Seems "natural", eh? Kinda turns my title on its ear. I should have had him say, "No, I've learned to love and co-exist with all God's creatures." Talk about unnatural
Ster wrote:
| Quote: | | I really liked the scene between Brian and Sean. For me, it just seemed to work, and I'm not really sure why. |
I was wondering how that scene would come off. I had to walk a fine line with Sean. Yes, I wanted him to find forgiveness, but I also wanted to make it clear that he still had a debt to pay to society. You break the law, you pay the price: forgiven by God or not.
| Quote: | | Looking forward to the next one, man. |
The next one is the last one—and it's gonna be huge. It's going to have a prologue about O'Carrol's life; a main body that wraps up everything in the story; and an epilogue that pulls the veil off the final mystery. Who lives? Who dies? Give me about three weeks and I'll let you know 
Arthur wrote:
| Quote: | | A great introduction that continues to present the story in a uniquely creepy way and slowly and tantalizingly reveal the plot, like so many jigsaw pieces coming together. The two characters, briefly introduced, were made immediately sympathetic and worked well to underscore the horror of what ONI would later do. |
Loved that comment, because it's good to hear that something worked as intended. Thanks.
| Quote: | | This chapter, like all others, combined excellent character development with great dialogue, which in my opinion is a killer combination. I especially emjoyed the interaction between Sean and the priest (excuse me, minister Wink ) as an effective means of illuminating both characters' personalities. Lexicus and Wiley also had some good moments, and actually presented some moments where you can't help but root for the monstrous assassin. |
Once again, I'm glad to hear that the scene between Sean and Brian worked. That was my biggest question mark going in. As far as Wiley is concerned, I do enjoy turning thing upside down like that; although I have to be careful to keep him in character.
| Quote: | | I thought the "our existence" was not in keeping with the third person narration style. "Preservation of humanity" would have been better. |
You are absolutely right. How did I miss that during a dozen or more proofreads? Gah.
| Quote: | | Altogether, a great piece of fiction. Consistently great stuff, man. The community is lucky to have you. |
Heck, I'm lucky to have this community. Who else would read my stuff? Thanks for the review, Art.
Sev wrote:
| Quote: | | I still can't figure out if the greatness of your stories stem from your brilliance, or your brilliance is merely an side effect of the greatness of your stories. Do you at times simply watch the words flow on screen, or do your eyes strain at the screen straining through every passing word? Gah, doesn't matter one bit--I can't help but read and laugh and cry and read some more. |
Confession time. I'm a fake. A cipher. A nothing. In reality, I can't write at all. A few years ago I met a mouse named Ick. Ick could write really good, but his paws were too small to hold a pen and he was too much of a purist to employ a computer keyboard. So we teamed up and the rest is history. It's sort of funny putting my name on this wacked out stuff. If you ask me, Ick is insane.
Zephyr wrote:
| Quote: | Wow, man...I asked MC's Cousin if there were any good stories, and he said your name. I looked up the series, read from chapter one...
Awesome. Keep up the good work. |
Nice to get a referral. Dang, you read the whole thing? Thanks, and I'm glad you liked it.
Caleb wrote:
| Quote: | | Beautiful as usual. I hate to post a useless comment but what can i say? |
It's not useless to let me know you liked it. Believe me, it's good to hear.
Turpertrator wrote:
| Quote: | Nice job, Chuckles.
I loved the scene with Black and Sisson. Oh, the memories ... the fantasies. I can't picture Steve without an arm, but can I ever imagine somebody wanting to whup on Sisson. Even after all these long years, it is hard to imagine how good that might feel. Ahhh....
I may be the only guy on HBO that knows O'Carol and Sisson and Purves and Black and Sagus and Lexicus and Simjanes and Brian ... but I find these shared connections to this story very satisfying. |
Yeah, I bet you can picture the whole thing. This might be the only time in the story where I'd like to trade places with Mr. Black 
Thanks to everyone for the comments. They are always appreciated.
C.T. Clown |
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CoLd BlooDed
Moderator
Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.
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| Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2007 2:45 am Post subject: |
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You know, sometimes I can't help but wonder, why aren't you a professional author? Your ability to bring things together so seamlessly is incredible. This entire time I was thinking about how you were going to explain the ultimate fear of darkness, shadow, and this couldn't have been more plausible. Arthur is right... it's like a jiggsaw puzzle coming together, piece by piece. Except in your case it's like a frickin' 3D, 5000-piece puzzle of New York (WHICH I HAD TO BUILD IN GRADE 9!).
There's nothing I can really complain about. I enjoyed the dialogue and killer narrative, especially the very ending between Lex and Wiley - very movie-like. I'm in agreeance with Sev, for I too thought about this when I was reading, do you think really hard to come up with the phrases you implement or is this stuff that flows straight from the mind? It's amazing how you maintain this dark, eerie atmosphere without repeating your analogies or wordplay.
Great job, Chuck, sorry it took me a while to get to this one. I merely had to psyche myself up before I could get the guts to read. |
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Chuckles
Member
Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 9:00 am Post subject: |
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CoLd wrote:
| Quote: | | You know, sometimes I can't help but wonder, why aren't you a professional author? Your ability to bring things together so seamlessly is incredible. This entire time I was thinking about how you were going to explain the ultimate fear of darkness, shadow, and this couldn't have been more plausible. Arthur is right... it's like a jiggsaw puzzle coming together, piece by piece. Except in your case it's like a frickin' 3D, 5000-piece puzzle of New York (WHICH I HAD TO BUILD IN GRADE 9!). |
Glad it's coming together. When you have your mind plugged into a world that only exists in your imagination (for nine months!) it is difficult if not impossible to be sure you are communicating it clearly. Realistically, I can't expect someone to remember the details I floated in the first chapter on July 20, 2006. When I was wrapping up Ghosts of Erebus, I brought a character back into the story (Admiral Kraft) who had not appeared since the second chapter, and that caused some confusion. He was integral to the plot and had been referred to now and then, so I assumed that people remembered who he was. I was wrong. Since then, I have endeavored to avoid that mistake, but with plots as convoluted as mine, some people will always be legitimately confused. Glad you're not one of them
| Quote: | | here's nothing I can really complain about. I enjoyed the dialogue and killer narrative, especially the very ending between Lex and Wiley - very movie-like. I'm in agreeance with Sev, for I too thought about this when I was reading, do you think really hard to come up with the phrases you implement or is this stuff that flows straight from the mind? It's amazing how you maintain this dark, eerie atmosphere without repeating your analogies or wordplay. |
Once again, I'm glad to hear that the story is working and staying fresh. Yeah, the ending is amping the bravado up a bit (Lex delivers the pay-off line immediately after chambering a shell in his shotty) but I think it fits just fine. Bravado can be useful as long as it's handled correctly.
Thanks for the review, CoLd.
*NOTE: I made a mistake in the second chapter of this series that will produce a continuity error between that chapter and my next (and final) chapter. In chapter two I mentioned that Cairren O'Carrol/Aimee Peel lost three daughters in the silent plague (the year 2544) and that they were in their late teens and early twenties. Fact is, they could not have been anywhere near that age in 2544. O'Carrol was part of the first group of Spartans, which means that she would have been only 33 years old at the time of the plague, and far too young to have three grown daughters. Thus, when her daughters are mentioned in the next chapter, they will be assigned ages that are more appropriate. Chapter two was posted last August, so I seriously doubt anybody would have noticed the error. But just in case somebody did, I wanted to give an explanation.
C.T. Clown |
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Zephyr
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Joined: 25 May 2005
Posts: 275
Location: im at ur moms house lol
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| Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 7:19 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | Nice to get a referral. Dang, you read the whole thing? Thanks, and I'm glad you liked it.
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Yes. You might say I was intrigued, and 'couldn't put it down.'
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For what is a man profited, if he should gain the whole world, but lose his soul? |
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Radont
Member
Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 36
Location: Michigan
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| Posted: Mon May 07, 2007 5:14 am Post subject: |
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| Superb job, as I have come to expect from the likes of you. Sorry it took me so long to post a comment but, well, Middle Earth needed me. Anyway, I have come to expect your characters to have the best dialog between characters out of any fan fiction writer and this certainly did not disappoint. Wheather it is a small quip or lengthy conversation the characters display a smooth and natural ability to communicate. Well done. |
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Chuckles
Member
Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Mon May 07, 2007 5:46 am Post subject: |
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Radont wrote:
| Quote: | | Superb job, as I have come to expect from the likes of you. Sorry it took me so long to post a comment but, well, Middle Earth needed me. Anyway, I have come to expect your characters to have the best dialog between characters out of any fan fiction writer and this certainly did not disappoint. Wheather it is a small quip or lengthy conversation the characters display a smooth and natural ability to communicate. Well done. |
Thanks for the comment, Radont. Seeing as you've read the danged thing a dozen times, it's not as though you had to. Sure, I'd bother you about it for weeks on end; over and over and over and over like a verbal form of Chinese water torture, until you cursed the day you met me and ultimately succumbed to my pressure—but I wouldn't have meant anything by it.
And now you get to start proofing my massive conclusion—and God knows how long that will be. Lucky dog! I'm sure you'll be happy to learn that I'm working on it right now. You'll get to read and re-read it until you go half blind, and then I'll have you read it again. And again. And again. In the end, you'll feel that you've lived every horrific moment of it in slow motion. It will haunt your dreams and color your waking reality with its dark pallor. You'll become a babbling idiot, repeating words that are not your own from lips that have forgotten the savor of fresh speech. And after all that is done and your former life is nothing but a fleeting ghost on the event horizon of my literary black hole ... be a pal and don't forget to drop me a comment
C.T. Clown
Last edited by Chuckles on Mon May 07, 2007 3:32 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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