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PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 1:30 pm    Post subject: Valhalla Reply with quote

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Posted by Aleks G. (
17 April 2007, 12:37 am
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337

Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 11:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, a MultiPlayer based story. These can be fun, if they are presented well. Most people who end up writing them describe them as if they were playing the game, and not as if their character was actually in a real fight. I disagree with that particular presentation, as it can be so much more enthralling and progressive when presented as an actual battle, even in the form of a game.

However, you did present it pretty well. So good job there. In fact, the way that you presented it was a very good idea. As a sort of training. That is a concept that I've been hoping to see for a long while in MP-based fiction here, and you presented it. Good to finally see someone who uses puts there imagination to work in this particular subject area.

Interesting inclusion of that new Sniper Rifle. Always be careful when including elements such as this. It was presented decently well, but I didn't understand the completely new name. The current model is the SRS99C S2-AM Sniper Rifle. Perhaps it is just my preference to see similarly named upgraded weapons, but that did stand out to me.

Author's preference, but in my opinion, it keeps it a bit more tactile, as far as the Haloverse goes, when retaining a similar designation.

Details. This had some, but I think it could use more. You basically "told" us all that went on, but you didn't stop much to "show" us what was going on through detail and descriptions.

When you are creating a scene, and especially when writing about combat, it is pretty essential to include a very healthy amount of detail. You want to get across as much as you can, and paint the moving picture of your story in the reader's mind. Details do a great job at helping with that process, not to mention that they add to the overall feel of the story. With details added in there, you are able to present your story's world much more vividly and fully. And that is an important thing to achieve.

In this particular piece, everything was described very generally, and it was very difficult to picture the environment around the characters. It was like having only select sections of a dark room lit by dim spotlights, you can see the important things, but everything else is still too dim to tell.

Make sure to watch out for small mistakes in your writing. GPS -- Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling -- is one of the most prominent problems in writing. So it's important to proofread as well as you can before posting to try and weed out as many small mistakes as you can.

Mistakes like that are like speed bumps in your writing, they just slow the reader down and distract from the actual story. And what you want to achieve is as little distraction as possible. It's a lot easier to pay attention to what's going on in the story when the writing is well presented. GPS is a key point in presentation.

Just keep an eye out for that in the future. And proofing your story is the key to that.

Overall, this wasn't bad at all. Pretty good as far as MP-based fics go. Just work on what I mentioned above, as well as what anyone else may mention, and you'll be good. Keep practicing and working on that writing, Aleks. And good luck.
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 1:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

For future reference, when you're giving information (like when you were explaining the Spartan team members), you should try to integrate the information into the story rather than just telling us.

Instead of saying, "Zach was an explosives expert," you could say "Zach's explosives expertise caused such-and-such, or something like that. I'm not good at explaining, but I'm sure one of the others understands what I'm trying to say.
For what is a man profited, if he should gain the whole world, but lose his soul?
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Caleb the Jackal

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 3:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah what Zephyr was saying is that you want to enthrall your reader. Not teach them. You could set it up like this.

Caleb is a good sniper.
MCC is good with explosives.
Zephyr is good with a shotgun.

The above is teaching. No fun. Yeah your reader gets the idea... But wouldn't it be better like:

MCC sent a rocket spiralling into one of the two Warthogs that sped toward blue base. The explosion blossomed out in fiery red orange sending two enemy Spartans to the graveyard.

"Get down!" Yelled Caleb as he fired again and again with the sniper rifle. High explosive rounds tore chunks out of the wall all around the two warriors. Together they ducked for cover beneath a huge boulder where Zepher happened to be waiting. Together they waited for the 'Hog to pull in closer.

"Stay down fella's... I've got this." Said Zepher as worked the slide on his eight gauge shotgun and crouched, ready for anything. With inhuman speed he lunged out from behind the boulder and blew the drivers head clean off. Another blast and the gunner was gone too.

See how that, while extremely sloppy and poorly wrote, still is more fun to read than the first thing?

Anyway keep practicing and you will be great in no time!
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Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 7:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What, no "Azathoth constantly teamkills with plasma grenades?" Very Happy

MC's Cousin says: Comment Advisory - OT content, content addition advisory. Thanks.
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PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2007 12:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I enjoyed it, Personally, I think you should make more of a series out of it, you know? Expand on your work. I really think you put a lot of time and effort into this fic...even if you didn't.
Another brilliant critique by Kronos.
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