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Blood Canyon

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 12:32 pm    Post subject: Blood Canyon Reply with quote

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Blood Canyon
Posted by Aleks G. (haloaleks1992@hotmail.com)
12 April 2007, 2:41 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Aleks_G.0412070241221.html
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 6:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I actually just posted a comment on your last submission, but I did do that just yesterday. So, I would ask you to go and take a look at that one, as many of the same things still apply. However, there are still a couple new points I have for you:


Your title on this submission is the same as the last. Now, I understand that this is a series, but you have to label each submission differently for the readers to understand which individual submission is which. Something as simple as "Blood Canyon 1... 2... 3... etc." would work just fine. Or you could go for labeling them by chapters, and it would be your choice whether to label them plainly (ie: Blood Canyon Chapter Two) or to add chapter titles (ie: Blood Canyon: Chapter One - Crash Landing). And so on.

Just keep that in mind. 'Cause it's kinda difficult to interpret the same title every time.


You abbreviated ranks a little bit in this story. Now, while you didn't do it in every instance, it was still there. I would highly advise against this. Because I have yet to learn how to pronounce the word "Sgt." Spelling them out makes the writing look more professional, helps it flow better, and fits in better with the rest of the text.


Your scene with the Elite dropping down onto the Warthog seemed pretty unbelievable to me. If an Elite had just ripped the heart out of that Marine, every single human with a weapon would have opened up on the thing, waited until it fell to the ground dead, and then probably kept shooting for kicks. Not just stand around with their weapons pointed at it like it had not just killed one of their squad members.

And then the Captain walks towards it.

And then another human gets shot. I mean, I can understand an Elite's superiority complex, but the understanding of these humans is very stretched. Yeah, sure, they were out gunned, but that doesn't mean they would stand there and allow their own men and women to get killed. Just doesn't come across too well.

Be careful how you orchestrate these things. You want them to come across in a fashion that seems believable.



Those were some new things I wanted to point out. But, as I said, I did mention a lot more concerning your first submission, and I would suggest that you go and take a look at that to.

Overall, this wasn't bad. But you still have a lot to work on and keep an eye out for. Keep up the writing, Aleks.
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Halo3...Aleks
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Joined: 16 Apr 2007
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 16, 2007 11:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well thanks for the tips, I will try to write better, and I already wrote the third and last part for this story. It sohuld be on any time now. It ends the story, at least until Halo 3, when I will revive it and end it like Halo 3 ends.
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 17, 2007 12:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good story, Aleks. I'll have to agree with the MCC, the marines did seem a little to hesitant. The Elite, however, I think you nailed. I, and this is just my opinion, think this is exactly how an Elite would react to unwilling allies. 7/10, keep it up!
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 12:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks for the elite comment... i tried to write it the way they always acted from Halo 2 in the cinematics, and added a little flair in. Im glad someone liked it.
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