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A New Covenant chapter 1 The Alliance

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 12:32 pm    Post subject: A New Covenant chapter 1 The Alliance Reply with quote
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A New Covenant chapter 1 The Alliance
Posted by The Arbiter (libbymesser@hotmail.com)
12 April 2007, 1:58 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=The_Arbiter0412070158431.html
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The Arbiter
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Joined: 13 Apr 2007
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 14, 2007 12:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
This is my first fanfic. I could use all the constructive critism I can get. If anyone has any suggestion on improving it I'm open. Thank You in advance.
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
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Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.
PostPosted: Sat Apr 14, 2007 12:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
There wasn't much wrong with this, but I noticed it was all written in present-continuous tense. That's not really a problem, but it's much harder to pull off. Chuck Palahniuk did it perfectly in Fight Club, but he is an extremely talented writer, better than anybody on this site. And it's important, too, that Fight Club is written in first person, which makes it much easier to understand present-continuous. As you're writing a third-person story, I'd suggest you use past-perfect; e.g.

You wrote:
Outside the control room, energy is building between the spires at its top. The energy is launched skyward in a blue comet.


changes to:

I re- wrote:
Outside the control room, energy slowly built between the spires at the pinnacle of the structure. With an earth-shaking rush, the pulse discharged, a bright blue comet splitting through Halo's low gray rain-clouds.


This brings up another of my points: your story was a bit low on detail. Never lose an opportunity to describe something. For example:

You wrote:
Johnson interrupts, "You mean like you were doing to the human race?"


How did he interrupt? Quietly, like he was trying to make the Arbiter ashamed? Sarcastically, like he was bitter about it? Angrily, like he didn't really believe the Arbiter? We're left to imagine it, which isn't really enough. Some things can be left up to the imagination, but not everything.

Anyway, being open to constructive criticism is a very good first step into writing, and it's one that not many people new to this site take. So that's progress, I suppose. Keep writing.
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The Arbiter
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 17, 2007 12:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Thanks. I'll use what you told me in the next chapter.
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