HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

A New Covenant chapter 1 The Alliance

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 12:32 pm    Post subject: A New Covenant chapter 1 The Alliance Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

A New Covenant chapter 1 The Alliance
Posted by The Arbiter (libbymesser@hotmail.com)
12 April 2007, 1:58 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=The_Arbiter0412070158431.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
The Arbiter
Member


Joined: 13 Apr 2007
Posts: 3

PostPosted: Sat Apr 14, 2007 12:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is my first fanfic. I could use all the constructive critism I can get. If anyone has any suggestion on improving it I'm open. Thank You in advance.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Azathoth
Member


Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Sat Apr 14, 2007 12:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There wasn't much wrong with this, but I noticed it was all written in present-continuous tense. That's not really a problem, but it's much harder to pull off. Chuck Palahniuk did it perfectly in Fight Club, but he is an extremely talented writer, better than anybody on this site. And it's important, too, that Fight Club is written in first person, which makes it much easier to understand present-continuous. As you're writing a third-person story, I'd suggest you use past-perfect; e.g.

You wrote:
Outside the control room, energy is building between the spires at its top. The energy is launched skyward in a blue comet.


changes to:

I re- wrote:
Outside the control room, energy slowly built between the spires at the pinnacle of the structure. With an earth-shaking rush, the pulse discharged, a bright blue comet splitting through Halo's low gray rain-clouds.


This brings up another of my points: your story was a bit low on detail. Never lose an opportunity to describe something. For example:

You wrote:
Johnson interrupts, "You mean like you were doing to the human race?"


How did he interrupt? Quietly, like he was trying to make the Arbiter ashamed? Sarcastically, like he was bitter about it? Angrily, like he didn't really believe the Arbiter? We're left to imagine it, which isn't really enough. Some things can be left up to the imagination, but not everything.

Anyway, being open to constructive criticism is a very good first step into writing, and it's one that not many people new to this site take. So that's progress, I suppose. Keep writing.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
The Arbiter
Member


Joined: 13 Apr 2007
Posts: 3

PostPosted: Tue Apr 17, 2007 12:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks. I'll use what you told me in the next chapter.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group