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yound spartans at reach ((REDONE))

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 12:32 pm    Post subject: yound spartans at reach ((REDONE)) Reply with quote

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yound spartans at reach ((REDONE))
Posted by jake dove (jakerools@blueyonder.co.uk)
11 April 2007, 2:42 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=jake_dove0411070242421.html
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Disposablehero171
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Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 23
Location: orlando fl

PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 2:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heres a spelling mistake...in your title, yound or young, a simple typo maybe so, but still a large mistake.

You said
Quote:
the man was watching him he had a stun dart pistol holstered and had his hand resting on the holster with the other hand he used his personal radio, "sergent-he's awake" the officer gave james a look that could melt titanium-b battleplate. "roger private im on my way" replied the voice.


James is not capitalized here, also you just said “the man” what man? Do we know this man? Was he the man that hit James in the back of the head? If so, how do we know, it was his back.


You said
Quote:
james turned to the man "but we got you thats sumthin, now mendez won't let them go home until they rescue you" he laughed so now the freaks are gonna try another assualt" the laster few words were said queiter than the rest as if he was afraid.


James, that’s, something, Mendez, last, quieter…oh and, He laughed missing punctuation’s.

You said
Quote:
john-117 did something he didn't usually do;he frowned, as he looked through the ominoculars at the small croncrete bunker this was useless as he had observed the bunker several times now and he hadn't seen anything out of the ordinary but he still wanted to look, he and all the other spartans had been throwing rocks at the bunker doors for the last 6 hours so that when the actuall assualt came the occupants wouldn't hear anything and if they did they would presume it was just more rocks.


First, little long for a sentence, concrete, Spartans, actual, assault.

john-117 did something he didn't usually do; he frowned, as he looked through the ominoculars at the small concrete bunker this was useless(comma or period) as he had observed the bunker several times now and he hadn't seen anything out of the ordinary(comma) but he still wanted to look, he and all the other Spartans had been throwing rocks at the bunker doors for the last 6 hours so that when the actual assault came the occupants wouldn't hear anything and if they did they would presume it was just more rocks.


This isn’t all of the errors, just some of them the worst that I found, keep writing, and reading, It will improve your vocabulary.

All around decent story, keep em comin.
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 11:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sorry, but if you don't capitalize your title, people are more likely to not read your story. The fact that there is a huge lack of capitalization also draws attention away from your story, which was good despite the lack of capitalizing. Disposablehero pretty much said everything else that needed to be said. 5/10
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Halo3...Aleks
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Joined: 16 Apr 2007
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Location: At home...on my computer....where else would i be?

PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 12:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

When I read the title... i immediately saw a gaping spelling error, and the rest of the stroy kinda follows suit, there wasn't much for punctuation or spelling... and that's what really bugs me, i can see a spelling error from two miles away, and it just bothers me to find multiple errors in one sentence. Spelling titles, words and everything else correctly is important, the commas and periods are important... but none the less... the stroy is by far the msot important, work on all three, and youll beat my story.

P.S. Not trying to flame... just um... constructive criticism
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