HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

A Demon Never Dies-I of III

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Mar 30, 2007 1:30 pm    Post subject: A Demon Never Dies-I of III Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

A Demon Never Dies-I of III
Posted by Cthulhu117 (azathoth117@gmail.com)
30 March 2007, 12:43 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Cthulhu1170330071243061.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Azathoth
Member


Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 12:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ouch, nobody cares. I even put up a series demotivator for this...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Arthur Wellesley
Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 11:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This definitely deserves to be commented on.

I really quite enjoyed this. The opening action scene was well done, and it both sucked the reader in and revealed some interesting information on our heroine, Zara. That the Elites hate the Brutes is to be expected, but you solidified this conflict in a very effective way with the story of Zara’s friend who died “gloating over what he thought was the corpse of his foe.” Her wariness at whether or not the Brute she felled was dead as well as the apprehension that was apparent when she thought of the different Brute packs made her position and character quite clear. So while the conflict was taken from the Halo storyline, you totally made it your own.

You did similar things elsewhere. The expanded explanation on the behavior of the Hunters, as demonstrated by Jken, was interesting and well thought out. The different types of Brutes also showed a lot of creativity, as did the descriptions of the Brute weapons. I also liked:

Quote:
"Demons never die," Naf whispered. It was curious. The timbre of his voice was almost religious as he spoke of the Demons. And not without reason; the Demons were famed as warriors, even if they were the final enemies of the Covenant. It would have been an honor for Zara, or any other Sangheili, to die fighting a Demon.


This was an interesting dynamic to the Elites and well done, I thought.

I have only a couple complaints. For starters, I wasn’t a big fan of the Covenant names; not because they weren’t good, just that they were too numerous. You named a few when it didn’t really seem necessary which sort of made it a little thick with alien-speak.

Also, I thought the introduction of the Spartans was a little abrupt. I thought a little more time could have been spent on their arrival to the scene.

Overall though, great stuff. Thanks for the read! Smile

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Azathoth
Member


Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2007 1:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You wrote:
I have only a couple complaints. For starters, I wasn’t a big fan of the Covenant names; not because they weren’t good, just that they were too numerous.


Yeah, I was worried that would happen. Alien overload!

You wrote:
Also, I thought the introduction of the Spartans was a little abrupt. I thought a little more time could have been spent on their arrival to the scene.


Mmf. I see what you mean. They're keeping Hunters from going on the rampage *POOF* SPARTANS YAY! I'll keep that in mind; when I write these things, I usually establish a little more backstory than I write down, so it seems logical to me that they should be introduced like that. But to everyone else who reads it, it seems a little spontaneous.

Well, thanks for your comments, I guess, and your criticism.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Hank Williams
Member


Joined: 05 Mar 2007
Posts: 15

PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 1:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, since you've responded to my stories, I think it only fair to respond to yours Razz

I like this, it is very well written. But, like was said, entrance of the Spartans was a little sudden, but well played out. Hearing "Meet Gray Team" sent a tingle down my spine, hopefully the books don't contradict this story at all Razz it was very well written. Very descriptive, I like that.

Zara's endurance is quite amazing, but what do you mean when she massages her ribs?

Also - it's "Gray Team" rather than "Grey Team"

Proof, if desired:
Gray Team: http://halo.wikia.com/wiki/Gray_Team
Grey Team: http://halo.wikia.com/wiki/Grey_Team

And yes, I know that one spelling is the US way while the other is the British.

All that I would have said, has already been.

Very nice job. I'm looking forward to part II.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Matthiasthe14th
Member


Joined: 25 Dec 2005
Posts: 126
Location: Je m'en fiche.

PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 4:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I have only a couple complaints. For starters, I wasn’t a big fan of the Covenant names; not because they weren’t good, just that they were too numerous.

I thought it added a cool aspect to the story. When I read it, the names implied that the reader would know exactly what the author was talking about. That might not have been a deliberate effect, but that's what I got out of it. Wink I wasn't confused or anything like that, but then again, I'm not everybody.

Awesome story.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Azathoth
Member


Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 1:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ARGH! Why is it that whenever I spell "Gray" (or "Grey") I spell it the opposite way from what I mean to?

Zara is massaging her ribs because she just got beaten into the ground by a two-ton behemoth. I bet you would too. Very Happy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Hank Williams
Member


Joined: 05 Mar 2007
Posts: 15

PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 4:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Azathoth wrote:
ARGH! Why is it that whenever I spell "Gray" (or "Grey") I spell it the opposite way from what I mean to?

Zara is massaging her ribs because she just got beaten into the ground by a two-ton behemoth. I bet you would too. Very Happy


It's alright, I'm just used to calling them "Gray Team" rather than "Grey Team". You can call them whatever you wish too, the point still gets across Razz

Also, I'm not sure on what you mean by her massaging her ribs. Like, what does she do to massage them. I'm not quite sure what you mean't.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Azathoth
Member


Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 12:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It hurts, so you rub it, try and make the pain go away.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Hank Williams
Member


Joined: 05 Mar 2007
Posts: 15

PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 6:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ah, ok, I get it now.

I thought you mean't...

ok, nevermind - thanks.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Halo Fanatic 2006
Member


Joined: 17 Apr 2006
Posts: 139
Location: Azeroth, I can't find my way out!

PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 11:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Commander, Dies Arae (If that's how you spell it) and now this! Tut, tut, tut. Finish what you start you evil thing you!

-HF06
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Azathoth
Member


Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 1:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's Irae, and yes, I am evil. LOL. Twisted Evil
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Disposablehero171
Member


Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 23
Location: orlando fl

PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 6:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Amazing story, but I'm confused, didn't all of the Spartans die on reach except Linda, John, Kelly, Mark, Fred, and all the others from Ghosts of Onyx?
Then, there’s the fact that all of those Spartans were trapped in an alternate dimension besides John. So is Jason, Marissa, and David just some fanfic Spartans? Or of the rest of the Spartan 3 group that was left off onyx before zone 67 went crazy.

It was over all a great, intriguing tail. But I’m confused as to where the new Spartans are from. We could say that its in between 2525 and 2552, but then again the Brutes weren’t at war with the Elites yet.

Something you guys will learn about me, is I am egger to learn as much as I can about something I get interested in. And will often ask questions about things I don’t understand as any student would. If it gets annoying let me know.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Azathoth
Member


Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Although the names, ranks and numbers that I have here are fanon, Gray Team does exist. They're mentioned briefly in Fall of Reach as the "three Spartans too far away to be easily recalled" for the PoA mission, and again in Ghosts of Onyx as Gray Team, where it is pointed out that there are three of them. Since there is no established canon about them yet, I decided to put them in here.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group