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Father's Daughter
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30, 2007 1:30 pm    Post subject: Father's Daughter Reply with quote

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Father's Daughter
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
30 March 2007, 2:24 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle0330070224241.html
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DraconicDreams
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30, 2007 7:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow.

I'd love to give a better critque then that, but I'm too stunned.

Just....wow.
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30, 2007 8:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very poignant. I always pictured Keyes & Miranda having a very good relationship, but what you've done here is excellent.
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Archangel_7
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 7:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am currently on vacation (sorry for not announcing it, everyone) so my time is limited, but I would like to say this:

I would like you to have my children.

*moment of awkward silence*

Well, maybe not, but I love how you force me to see the Halo universe in a completely different light. Wish I could do better, but as of now I'm not at liberty to.
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Collins Okonkwo
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 12:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think you're a good writer, the way your construct your dialogue is very impressive and beleivable but,


trees, snow, sign posts and family didn't do much for me. No, not in a halo story. Such things should be considered secondary.

Think about epic stories like star wars and the lord of the rings. they dont waste your time with such things. They only do it briefly.

All in all the fic went on to remind me of the few sceince fiction books i was not able to finish due to boredon.
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 12:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's...wow. That comment was uniquely crude, in my opinion. "Such things" as you suggested should never be considered secondary, because, in the end, they are the only real ties the story has to us. Take LotR as an example: I can't sympathize with Aragorn's quest to become the High King, because I have never done anything like that, and I probably never will. On the other hand, I can sympathize perfectly with Sam's reminiscing about the Shire, because there are times when I have felt the same way. And don't ever say that the Halo story has nothing to do with family: recall that the Chief does everything he does with the memory that his "family" (the Spartans) were slaughtered on Reach. The relationship between Keyes and Miranda is an important one, too; not one that we know anything about, either.

Quote:
All in all the fic went on to remind me of the few sceince fiction books i was not able to finish due to boredon.


I didn't read it as a piece of science fiction. It's very simple to apply this sort of thing to any war.

Anyway, just my little spiel there.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 10:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Draconic: short, but in an exceedingly complimentary manner. Thank you muchly Smile

Thank you very much as well, Archangel. I believe I get the sentiment, though I must woefully decline.

Thanks Azathoth, both for your comment and your defense. It was well worded and strong, and happens to be exactly my point of view as well.

Collins: I realize a story like this one would not appeal to everyone, but your criticism, quite frankly, is quite poor and narrow-minded.

Thanks again to everyone. I appreciate the comments greatly.

- Arthur
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DraconicDreams
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2007 12:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:

All in all the fic went on to remind me of the few sceince fiction books i was not able to finish due to boredon.


See, that's funny, 'cause your comment reminded me of how few simple-minded critiques I finish reading due to a lack of capitalization and poor spelling.

Sure you didn't finish them due to your lack of comprehension of the subject matter?


Okay, I'm out of stunned mode.

The story had one major aspect that I feel is so often lacking in Fanfiction...emotion. There is so much feeling in this. Anyone who ever had a parent that they couldn't quite relate to can truly appriciate the story you've written here.

The parallels between the mother you wrote here, and my own, are just damn creepy.

The descriptive was immersive, the emotions poignient, and the entire story had a flawless flow. There was no where in it that you lost me, even for a second.

The Chief is fun to watch, play, and write about. But for the artists of prose that come to sites like these, the heart of the Halo-verse isn't the guy who shoots the badguys dead. It's everyone else who dosen't get life to be that easy.
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Collins Okonkwo
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 9:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

All I tried to do was air my opinion and the next thing i know...

I think i prefer Azathoths approach to the issue.

[/quote]
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Holy_Warmaster
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2007 6:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not to be critical of your newer story about ancient history-UNSC (I can't recall the title), but this one is much better as a Halo fan story. I loved it. An immensely better representation of the Halo universe and characters hardly established in the game. I must say, however, that I also feel that a truly good Halo story should be less shy of combat and action, as so many Halo fan stories seem to be. Feel free to critique my series, Storms of Grevahdi. Or crucify me.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 10, 2007 12:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man I can't believe I missed this the first time around.


Collins Okonkwo wrote:

Think about epic stories like star wars and the lord of the rings. they dont waste your time with such things. They only do it briefly.


Looks like someone's still in his 'action phase.'

Epic is nice, but remember that the grunts make the army. I'd take a story with dialogue and characters over 'EPIC BATTLE 1 MILLION GRUNTS VS. 300 SPARTANS!!!11oneoneone" anyday. Action isn't a substitute for plot, nor is it a substitute for feeling. It's a condiment. You can spice things up, but furious action on its own will never substitute for a lack of feeling.

I'm typing this in one monitor and reading the fic on the other. So far I am impressed. Setting is well-done and detailed, almost like I can reach through the text and feel the cold snow upon my palms.

Quote:
The wheels of the car compacted the snow beneath the tires, drawing two parallel lines in the flat white calm.


Dude. I...like. What I like about that particular sentence was that you don't have to say there's snow, you just make as if it were there. Keeps it indirect and keeps explanation to a minimum while keeping setting straightforward and vivid. Good opening sentence, something's happening, and we can see the setting already, all without being overly long and dramatic.


Edmonton, eh? You tricky guy... I like the setting. Go patriotic or go home.


I love the dialogue between them. Conflict and pressure between parent and child. I also like how you present Miranda with a choice and also what she chooses to do when she sees (hears?) her mother crying.

Quote:
She was vaguely surprised to find that either of her parent's


Ack!

That was the only bad spot I noticed. Reading on...


Man, the ending was explosive and I also like how you identify the 'generation gap.' Kinda like back to the future, it's hard to imagine your parents in your shoes. I like that. I wish I could say more but I can't at the moment.

Man, after I finished this I had to take a step back from my computer and take a long breath in and a long breath out. This story just blew me away. The description, the characterization, everything, just blew me away. Miranda now will be more than a 'Keyes Replacement' in my mind... you took a character to a whole new level in just one chapter.

Definitely a good one. I like.

- Dave.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 5:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks a lot, Dave. I'm glad you liked it. And I'm glad you appreciated the Canadian content. Smile

Thanks to you as well, Warmaster. You probably will hate the next thing I'm thinking of, though. Laughing

- Arthur
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 3:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This topic has been cleaned.

Participating parties have been warned.

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Commander Valois
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 10:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Once more with feeling...
*Ahem*
(these are in no apparent order)
(Oh, and at times I may seem like a fanboy...)
--------------------------------
Before I read this story, I hated Keyes and I hated his daughter. Don't ask why because even I don't know. But now, just...Wow dude...

Quote:
Instead, she sat down in a loveseat by the hearth—her father's favorite chair, a piece of furniture that quite possibly outdated the cabin that housed it. The fire had since been reduced to a few glowing, sputtering embers; as she looked into it she unconsciously reached into the pocket of her jacket and brought out a long silver case, retrieving from it a single cigarette. She put it on her lips, tasting the paper and rolling it from side to side, before she finally lit it. She inhaled deeply, letting it warm her lungs, before finally releasing the smoke in a long stream from her nostrils. She had long since given up any pretence of quitting. It seemed a ridiculous concern, with the Covenant likely now on Earth's doorstep. Besides, it felt good to have a vice.


Wow...Just...Wow...
Never pictured Keyes as a smoker...

Quote:
Dearest Erin


Please, PLEASE dear god don't tell me this is Cath-erin-e Halsey.
Keyes never "got it on with Halsey," why do people think he did? Halsey wouldn't dare get caught with him, not on her life. If it isn't Halsey, then uh, ignore the above ok.


I know this is insignificant, but Officers are not "enlisted into the military," they are "commissioned."(Technically, you are a "Commisioned officer" at the rank of Commander in the Navy, or Lt.Colonel in the Marines. Anything below these two ranks are considered "Jr. Commissioned" Officers)



Quote:
In the margin next to the picture a fading message had been scrawled in black ink. It read:

Dearest Erin,
I love you more than words can say, so I won't try.
Don't ever forget the feeling!
As long as I live,
Jake

She reread this tiny passage many times, likely written at the time with careless haste, and slowly turned back to the photo. At last, the grief that had been so long absent pierced her heart and she wept bitterly: for she looked now upon not one lost parent but two.

Fresh tears fell on the already tear-stained page.

Holy snap!
Dude... I've seen some really sad and gloomy things in my life, but picturing that in my head just...WOW... The relationship between Keyes and "Erin," by your description, was tight. Awesome.


Quote:
"The only reason you're commanding a ship at your age is because of Jacob, and how did you repay him? With an annual visit, if we were lucky enough to be graced by your presence."

This is just insulting her integrity as a Naval Officer...

Quote:
"You're a captain, aren't you?"

Uh-oh... Ranks are captalized. Shocked

Quote:
"That's fine," she said. She turned then to the bar near the kitchen. "I think I need a drink. Would you like one?"

"It's only four," Miranda said, glancing at her watch.

Her mother slammed her hand on the counter. "I've just been told that my husband is dead!" she cried in a voice that shook with emotion. "I can have a drink in my own home if I please."

Someone is an alcohalic... Rolling Eyes

Besides the negative stuff above, I loved it! Descriptions, descriptions, descriptions!
Don't hurt me Dave...
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Last edited by Commander Valois on Fri Nov 16, 2007 3:21 am; edited 4 times in total
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kr1
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 11:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Quote:
"You're a captain, aren't you?"

GAHH! Ranks are captalized! Shocked


Wouldn't a rank only be capitalized if used with someone's name, though? Like "the commander" would be fine, but "Commander Keyes" needs to be capitalized.[/quote]
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