HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Insane
Posted by Solidus Snake (chikornx@aol.com)
6 November 2004, 6:56 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=solidus_snak.1106041856071.html

(Na)Marl · Posted: Wed Nov 10, 2004 9:30 pm Post subject:

--You know, for someone who's 'not much of a story teller', you did a nice job. It was good.

Pajari · Member Joined: 28 Sep 2004 Posts: 100 Location: Luna

That was pretty good, save for a few spelling and grammar errors. Keep it up.

Solidus Snake · Posted: Thu Nov 11, 2004 10:24 pm Post subject:

Thanks, I will work on the second part this weekend.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

I would suggest that you spell out numbers (same goes for ranks). It helps make things look better, you know, smooth it out visually. Also, do the same with the rest of your sentense. Youd do a lot of poems and parodies, so make the senteses come together and fit together so that there is not stop between sections (like in Halo 1) and things move along nicely (like in Halo 2).
I also noticed that you had problems with grammar in there. Watch your tenses and stuff like that. It just takes away from the story.

Now, I want to tell you to use more details in that first little bit; but I understand it was a prologue and so you were just briefly recounting things. Still, you made it sound like a narrative instead of a flashback. So, next time, work on that kind of thing. Even still, you can do flashbacks with a good narrative. Like in the middle of H:FS, that was an excellent flashback, and it worked great. Stuff like that makes your story better.
Also, on the same subject, you might try just narrating through and telling the story you had from the beginning. It would have lengthened things, and given the reader a basis from which to view the characters. Get into the emotions of your "insane marine" more. Kinda like [I want to say Clancy] does in his writing (particularily in Without Remorse).
But, still try to include more detail overall in there. Not too mcuh, but enough to give a good clear picture and jazz things up a bit.

Work on punctuation a bit, too.

Now, about sending a Private off to do that kind of thing, well, I'm not sure about that. I would have put a Sergeant, or at least Corporal, in charge. But, still, I would think at least non-com status for a mission. Even a "small" one.

Overall, it's a compliment to your writing style, but you still need to practice improving story skills. I liked this chapter, so keep writing. Try to add more emotion, watch that grammar and seplling, and have someone proofread it, that could catch half of your mistakes. If someone doesn't understand something that you wanted them to, you know you have work to do, and stuff like that.
_________________
-MCC

Solidus Snake · Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 6:12 pm Post subject:

Thanks MCC, best advice I got yet. I was gonna make a chapter about that day when he went insane but I don't feel like spending that much time on this series. I still have my other series (Hollow Life) to work on.

Now at first I wanted to make this a single story and just have the cyborg kill him but I changed my mind and decided to make a mini series.

And also I never did think about making him a Sergeant instead of private.

Once again thanks and I'll work on the next chapter tonight.