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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Hank Williams
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Joined: 05 Mar 2007
Posts: 15
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 Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 9:49 pm Post subject: |
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| Well, I hope this one isn't as bad as my previous one, I tried to make this one as good as I possibly could. Thanks for reading. |
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.
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| Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 11:53 pm Post subject: |
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Not bad, although quite short. However, there was one section that I want to draw your attention to:
| You wrote: | | As Zan neared the door, he expected it not to open, but it did. As it did, several Carbines, Plasma Rifles, and Plasma Pistols leveled to Zan's head, aswell as a Beam Rifle. Zan jumped back an entire foot and aimed his Brute Plasma Rifles. As he did, seven Elites, three Minor Domos, a Major Domo, two former Honor Guards, and a Zealot entered, pointing their weapons around the Chamber. The Zealot told the other Elites to lower their weapons. The three Minor Domos carrying dual Plasma Pistols lowered their weapons and looked at Zan, very pleased to see him. The Major Domo, carrying dual Plasma Rifles lowered his weapons aswell, nodding his head to Zan. As the Honor Guards entered behind the rest, they, too, lowered their Carbines, also pleased to see Zan. The Zealot, holding his Beam Rifle, motioned to Zan that it was all right. |
This section should be very interesting, but it isn't. Know why? You aren't showing us what happened, you're telling us. Try a less direct approach:
| I, very hastily, and probably badly, wrote: | Zan stepped forward, his hand reaching out to the metal of the door to steady himself.
Unexpectedly, the door hissed open, and more weapons than he could count leveled at his head. He leapt back in alarm, all his aches and pains forgotten, ready to fight, weapons raised.
However, with a rush of relief, he saw that the weapons were not in the hands of Brutes. Three Minors, a Major, a pair of Honor Guards and a Zealot lowered their weapons, seemingly equally relieved. They seemed battle-worn, fresh from combat. Like Zan, they were probably worn out and high-strung.
The Zealot gave a brief nod to Zan. The Councilor paused for a second, then returned the gesture. |
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Hank Williams
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Joined: 05 Mar 2007
Posts: 15
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| Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 2:03 am Post subject: |
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ah, good idea. Thank you.
I'm used to roleplaying, and describing everything that's going on. Thank you.  |
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Digi7
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Joined: 22 Feb 2007
Posts: 22
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| Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 5:56 am Post subject: |
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I liked it. I agree with Azathoth, though. Listening to lots of names of weapons held by lots of names of Elites got a bit tiresome, but that was okay. There were a few spelling mistakes, like "soar", when it was supposed to be "sore", but oh well. Also, you didn't have to say Brute Plasma Rifles all the time. Just say "weapons" or "rifles". Nice story!  |
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RacqiaDvorak
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Joined: 04 Apr 2007
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 4:26 pm Post subject: |
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| I truly enjoyed the story line. I think you could use a little improvement in your writing, though. Looking forward to the next installment. |
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