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Falling Star

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 11:41 am    Post subject: Falling Star Reply with quote

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Falling Star
Posted by Sterfrye36 (Sterfrye36@yahoo.com)
23 March 2007, 4:14 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Sterfrye360323070414361.html
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Zombie
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 4:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sterfrye man, a very moving and detailed piece. I'm used to reading your stories of deadly space combat and what not, and yes this had a small trace of that, but now we get to see what exactly the great Sterfrye is capable of. Very impressive piece of work, loved the first person tense you had going on there too. Even though it was all from that one individual's thoughts, you could really paint a picture in your mind of what exactly he was going through. Sad ending obviously, worse way to die if you ask me, but great writing as always. Cheers mate.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 10:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dude!

This I have to say is a prime example of your art. The tone was kept conversational and easygoing, which added to the atmosphere of hearing a pilot's last thoughts. The little 'heh.' helped there a good deal to keep the air light and easygoing. That tone - light and easygoing would have normally seemed out of place, however, because of that, you get the feeling the guy's resigned himself to his fate and is now facing his demise without fear, but resignation.

The opening description of the stars was done quite well, nice n' detailed without going overly far or having to resort to cliche'd fancy words and such (something I fall into the trap of far too much), making it seem all the more real, coming from someone who's about to go through.

And of course, I winced at just the right moment. Point for you for that.


One minor typo:
Quote:
It sort of feels like my arms limbs are about to get torn out of—


But that can be discounted. The quality of the writing more n' makes up for a slight slip. Happens to the best of us.

Two thumbs up!

- Dave.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 12:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent work, man. I loved the contrast between what was being said and what was happening. The nonchalant narration was pointedly and purposefully at odds with the events that were being off-handedly mentioned. This was an unusual but highly effective approach to the story. It made it oddly gripping and, though short, you really built a solid connection between the reader and the (correct me if I'm wrong) nameless main character. At the same time, too, it made it very relatable... like he was telling this story over a cup of coffee in normal conversation. You really put us there.

There was some great imagery and description too. Obviously the first paragraph deserves mentioning. I feel I have to tell you that when I read it, I had a flashback to a night at my cottage when I gazed up at thousands of very vivid stars. I was very struck at the time, and I actually paused while reading this and imagined what it would be like if you were actually in space. Again, part of the relatable nature of this piece.

In addition, there was the image you gave us of Earth from above, or rather as he was being hurtled towards it. Perhaps most engaging was the description of his rocky, fateful descent; the visceral, painful dislocation of his shoulder contrasting nicely with his thoughts returning to the innocuous subject of stars. It was capitalized, too, by the final stuttering goodbye; not lamenting his death or that of his family, but looking to the future. Not typical of a man who has none.

Only 2 small mistakes: the one Dave mentioned, and the absence of a period on one of the paragraphs.

Otherwise, perfect! Great stuff, man.

- Arthur
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 12:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry can't right now. Tonight though!
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Johny117
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 01, 2007 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. Very nice, man. Besides the small errors mentioned, it was perfect. Descriptive words, the horrors of space combat, and of course the battle of Midway.

The story seems very similar to the actual battle at Midway during WWII. I'm not sure if that's what you're trying to convey, but it was still excellent.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 6:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was good. In fact, I identified with your character in a roundabout way. I've had two dreams (both in the last few months) where I was mortally wounded and felt myself dying. I've had plenty of dreams like the one your character had; the ones where you wake up before anything lethal actually happens, but those are a lot different. Mine were more like your story. What the heck--I'll tell you both of them.

In my first one, I was crushed by a wall of water. I remember being trapped in the blackness, wondering how much I would have to endure before I went. It took a lot longer than I thought, and I remember thinking that it wasn't supposed to be that way. Like the character who had just been shot in the knee by Leonardo DiCaprio in The Departed, my mind was screaming that I was supposed to pass out. Freaky dream.

In my other dream, I was a ten or eleven year old in somebody's back yard, looking into their large picture window. Two men were talking, and the scary looking one lifted his eyes and gave me a menacing stare. He then went to the door, as if to talk to me, but when I approached I saw that he had a silenced pistol behind his back. I ran, but I knew I was too small to get away. Part of me knew it was a dream, and I remember thinking that I should just get it over with, so I ran around the house and crouched in a corner (like a kid in a tornado drill) and waited for the fatal shot. I hadn't realized how scary it would be to just sit and wait. Even though I was conscious that it was a dream, it was terrifying. Finally, I heard a silenced shot, felt it enter my head and literally felt the life shrivel inside of me.

Yeah, I might need to stop writing horror Very Happy Of course, I would never actually consider ditching horror. In fact, this might be good seed for a Short Tale of Terror!

So maybe you can see why I identified with your guy. And that would not have happened if you hadn't written such vibrant details.

Quote:
You know, normally I'd want my parents to know how I'd died, but in this case, I'm glad they don't. Falling through a planet's atmosphere, while awesome and cool in a bizarre sense, still sounds terrible and painful, which I am actively finding out. I don't think I'll feel anything actually being burnt off, actually; the g-forces will knock me out long before I burst into flame.

I both liked this bit of description and disliked it. I liked it because it tells of something truly horrible happening to the man speaking, and does it with the cold dispassion you'd hear in an autopsy transcript. On the other hand, I didn't like it for the same reasons. In a fic like this you can go one of two ways. You can either describe things with detached logic (as you did) or you can tell them in the excruciating detail of a nightmare. I happen to like both, so as I read this passage I remember thinking nicely done, but now that I've seen it this way, I want to see it the other way as well. Nothing you could have done about that Wink

Once again, great job.

C.T. Clown
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2007 12:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Missed this on my first pass through, hehe.

Another sweet piece. You perfectly portrayed the guy as a person who had accepted his fate and was leaving the rest to be played out. It was strangely entrancing. And I like how you went all WWII on our asses.
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2007 3:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This isn't just a standalone. It's a companion to LR. So Midway...heh, heh... Twisted Evil
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 12:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What's this? A Sterfrye story? Hmm...



You know, I have to say, I do enjoy starting lines like that. Perhaps it's because I like to use them myself. (Right from the beginning of a personal short story of mine: "The stars were beautiful.") But either way, those kinds of lines always seem to draw me in pretty well when used well... And I hope you caught that hint.


Small issue I saw, and perhaps a matter of opinion:
You wrote:
the Falcata's always had a warm cockpit with all the equipment that they packed into that sardine can.

IMO, "that" is out of place. That's speaking in past tense, where the pilot, the main character, and the voice of the story is speaking in present tense, and is in the ship as he is narrating. Just kinda stood out to me. I still works, but it still stuck out to my eye.


I really did enjoy the sardonic humor of your narration. It starts out very majestic and descriptive of beautiful surroundings, and then slowly reveals what is actually going on. Pealing away the pleasant to show the ugly side of the situation. That's something that appeals to me. False faces and hidden facts. In addition to the wry sense of humor the narrator displays. Very nice, and fun to read. Even if it is about his own upcoming death and current displeasure.


Last thing that I have to say about the story -- and this is complete opinion, is that I would have broken up the text from the "..." at the end there. Just a space at one end or both. Small detail, I know. But you know me. Very Happy



Anyway.

Very good stuff, overall. I liked how you delivered this as a singular short story, but still tied it into your main story. Good stuff. A nice little offshoot. I'm glad I stopped by, Ster. I'll make sure to make it a habit.
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 2:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the review, MCC.

Just to clarify, he wasn't in his ship when he was falling towards Earth. I guess I didn't make it clear enough, but when the Falcata got hit by the Seraph's fire, he ejected.
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 3:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay. That explains what I wasn't so sure about. But, I will say, it makes a whole lot more sense that way. And perhaps it was I that did not pick up on what I should have. I'll set aside some time to re-read it so that I can appreciate it more in context.

Thanks for the clarification, Ster.


Edit:

Yeah. It was my mistake, Ster. I missed the couple of give-away lines that you did indeed put in there. Guess that's what I get for multi-tasking. Oops.

Just a good the second time, though. Granted I was more focused. Laughing
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 11:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just wanted to point out that hell has officially frozen over. MCC said "IMO."
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 12, 2007 12:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Before I address that, I first want to apologize for this bit of OT to Sterfrye. Sorry, Ster. And I hope that this is that last bit of it in this thread.

Caleb the Jackal wrote:
Just wanted to point out that hell has officially frozen over. MCC said "IMO."

Actually, 'Jackal, I've been using that abbreviation for months now in my posting. As well as "IMHO". So, if hell has frozen over, it has been in a state of Winter Wonderland for a while now. Thanks for pointing that out, though.


And, again, let's hope that's the last bit of OT here. Thanks.
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